NWA TNA: July 16, 2003

By: Chris Fothergill-Brown
July 18, 2003

Tuesday night, bored out of my mind, I figured I'd embark upon an experiment for no other reason than to entertain myself. With that, I bring you:

STUFF VODKA MAY OR MAY NOT TASTE GOOD WITH

I visited the store and bought plenty of drinks so we'd have some fun.

- Electric Blue Slurpee and vodka: Passable
- Snapple Green Iced Tea: Good
- Moutain Dew: Avoid
- Budweiser: UGH!
- Liz Blizz Sobe: Now that's the stuff! Looks, smells, tastes like a poor man's pina colada. Works for me!

At this point, my mother unexpectedly showed up and wanted to buy me dinner. The experiment was cut short, and I didn't feel like continuing once I got home. Parents always kill the buzz, dammit. At least the food was good!

THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR ME SAY ABOUT SHANE DOUGLAS: Ric Flair owes him the time of day.

LAST WEEK: Jeff Jarrett tells them boys "batter up", Vince Russo impersonates Jarrett, Legend and Jarrett brawl, brawl, and brawl some more, D'Lo Brown wants a title shot and locks (guess who) Vince Russo in a cage, AJ retains the belt, Not S.E.X. beats up D'Lo.

We waste no time in kicking things off with JUST JOE and TRIPLE J beating the piss out of eachother. Apparently this is NOT their match, which is getting downright annoying. SECURITY pounces quickly.

MIKE TENAY and DON WEST man the commentary booth. West notes that these two have been fighting all day long. This feud still isn't remotely interesting.

TONIGHT: Jarrett, Legend, blah. Frankie Kazarian gets a "fair" title shot. Jerry Lynn and Justin Credible - last man standing. Edward Chastain has issued an open challenge to hardcore wannabes. And while this has nothing to do with tonight, D'Lo Brown and AJ Styles, for the belt in a Three Stages Of Hell showdown. First fall - pinfall only. Second fall - submission only. Third fall - ladder match.

D'LO BROWN has a microphone and a groove. Tenay speculates this is going to be interesting. "Asylum, what's up?" "BOOOOOOO!" That's harsh. D'Lo tells Styles he's only got 7 days left to enjoy his belt, and doesn't even require three falls. However, as it pertains to tonight, he's a little PO'ed with Sonny Siaki. Siaki of course, nailed D'Lo with a cane last week, costing him the title match. And if he beats Siaki tonight, he'll get 5 minutes with Russo - this decided by the Powers That Be (who happen not to be Russo).

NOTORIOUS DLB vs. THE SON (with Trinity) (for 5 minutes with Vince Russo)

D'Lo dives over the top rope before the bell even rings, nailing the tope con hilo. D'Lo rolls Siaki into the ring, and re-enters himself with a slingshot senton which gets 2. Lots of posing, shaky shaky legdrop - and D'Lo's going up! Trinity grabs the ankle - D'Lo shakes her off - stands, Trinity back up, and trips him up. D'Lo falls back into the ring and Siaki hits a running Blockbuster, getting a 2. Siaki with a clothesline gets him another 2. Overhead uranage suplex (holy shit!) gets 2. Vertical suplex - another 2. D'Lo manages to recover on the following move, turning whatever it was into a Stunner. That's followed by a clothesline and dropkick for 2. Thesz press, spinebuster, 2. Trinity heads up - the referee starts COUNTING which will certainly force 90% of heels to descend. Sadly, Trinity is one evil creature and leaps off, ignoring the official's ruling. D'Lo ducks and she crossbody's Siaki. That would mean DQ win for Siaki, no? The ref allows it…for shame! D'Lo with a roll up, and that'll do it. (4:28) *1/4 D'Lo gets 5 minutes with Russo to do whatever he wants.

Here's some INTENSE comments from Justin Credible and Jerry Lynn towards one another. And when I say "INTENSE comments", I mean "explaining the rules of the match…but with clenched teeth!"

HEADBANGER JUSTIN vs. JERRY LYNN (in a last man standing match)

Lynn takes control, dropping Justin nuts first over the top rope and hitting a springboard dropkick. Lynn on the apron - Justin tries the headbutt spot, but Lynn leaps as he attempts and a flying legdrop hits. Justin rolls to the floor, and reverses a whip into the guardrail. He follows that with a drop toe hold into the steps. Here comes the blood! The commentators keep talking about this feud dating back to ECW, like it set the world on fire or something. Good lord, revisionist history at its best! Back in, Justin powerbombs Lynn, holds the legs and gets a 2. Justin rolls out to set up a table - and when he turns around he meets a Lynn doing a senton from the apron. He catapults Justin to the ring apron, and now the blood flows from him too. And it's a gusher! Back in, jumping DDT from Justin, into the cover, and that's only 2. Here comes the chops!!! Whooooo! Justin heads to the top rope, gets caught, and winds up superplexed halfway across the ring. That's another 2. They head out to the floor, where Justin sets up Lynn on the table - but Lynn gets off, follows Justin to the top and nails a rana that sends Justin through the table! Lynn rolls Justin in, covers, 1, 2, kickout. Cradle piledriver is blocked - superkick isn't! That's Incredible is good, and Lynn is down for the count. And now we wait. Lynn gets to his feet at 8, so it's back on. Back to the chops - and Justin's starting to look really pink. Lynn with a cradle piledriver, and that sits Justin down for 3. He's back up at 8½ however. They fight over a tornado DDT on the top…and HOLY FUCK. CREDIBLE WITH THAT'S INCREDIBLE OFF THE TOP! Goddamn, goddamn, goddamn! That's an easy 3, and should be it. I spoke too soon - Lynn manages to get up at 9, and DDT's Credible on a piece of wood from the table! That's followed by a tombstone, and Justin's out for the count. Justin gets up at 9 - so Lynn cradle piledrives him on the wood - falls down from exhaustion, and we have ourselves a double pin. Well fuck, don't end it like this… Both guys stand up - but Credible trips, and apparently that's enough to declare Lynn the winner. COME ON! (13:17) *** Damn good match, god awful end. Justin was ON his feet which was enough for Lynn to continue earlier in the match. Grrrrrrrr…I hate this feud, they made me care, and now I hate it even more since it's clearly built on protecting the golden boy, Jerry Lynn.

3 LIVE CREW - apparently the name for our stoner friends, are out and about. James calls himself "B-Jizzle" which is the FILTHIEST name I've ever heard in wrestling. More so than Hugh G. Rection, thanks for asking. They interview a REALLY OLD FAT WOMAN about the meaning of life. I can't understand a word she's saying. Ron Killings then talks to a GANG OF BROTHAS, which is pretty funny while he talks about being a pimp, and they get excited. They tell James to get lost since he's not a pimp. Konnan talks to a VANILLA REDNECK about nothing. James interviews A COW and questions it about standing in its own manure. Probably the lamest of the bunch so far.

Back in the arena, TRIPLE J and THE LEGEND are fighting again? Did the insanely dead crowd not give them the hint the first thousand times that no one cares? Christ almighty… They'd better be prepared to deliver a ***1/2 match for all the TV time they've eaten. I'm sceptical.

FRANKIE KAZARIAN vs. CHRIS SABIN (for the NWA X title)

TALE OF THE TAPE
- The fight for The Future
- Head to head in TNA: 1-1
- Winner of rubber match = X division champion
- Tonight…a "fresh Kazarian"

JEREMY BORASH does special ring intros, and Sabin mouths along with him which is quite funny. We're off. Kazarian rides Sabin, and Sabin's none to pleased about it. Sabin starts kicking away at Kazarian, driving knees into the ribs, which one might imagine are still sore. Kazarian comes back with a dropkick and swinging neckbreaker for 2. Sabin winds up on the floor - Kazarian goes for a springboard something, but Sabin yanks him in mid-air, pulling him face first on the apron. Springboard bodypress! Sabin rolls Kazarian back into the ring, rolls him up, grabs some tights, but only gets 2. Kazarian wants to fly, so Sabin puts on a version of the abdominal press. They fight into the ropes, Kazarian manages a roll up for 2. Kazarian springs off the ropes, and Sabin's ready, hitting a dropkick to Kazarian's back. He covers, 1, 2, Kazarian escapes. Kazarian picked up, dropped into a ribbreaker, and puts on a ground abdominal stretch. Kazarian put in the tree of woe - if for no other reason than for Sabin to pick up his head and slam it into the mat a couple of times. Sabin charges the corner - Kazarian somehow hooks Sabin's head - flies back and I guess it's something of a reverse Diamond Cutter? He follows with a reverse neckbreaker, which is good for 2. Sabin recovers, and goes for a Lygerbomb - but Kazarian slips off the back, picks up Sabin, drops back with a bridge, and gets 2. Up top - Kazarian tries a Flux Capacitor, but Sabin shoves him off, and goes for a missile dropkick which levels the referee! I smell a screwjob. Backbreaker on Kazarian, Sabin realizes the referee is out, and goes to get his belt. He swings, but misses, Kazarian knocks the belt away, hits the Wave Of The Future on the belt - pin, and we have ourselves a new X Division champion. (7:54) **3/4 RUDY CHARLES quickly runs in…and tells ANDREW THOMAS to reverse the decision for use of the belt. He does, and my hero escapes, still the champion.

SCOTT HUDSON has SHARK BOY and DENZEL'S FRIEND in the back. He mentions the Harris Brothers have been on a mission to get Shark Boy's mask. New Jack is greatly irritated by this, and goes on about how he's like a redneck boy picking his nose, he's gonna reach up, grab the booger, and eat it. Shark Boy offers New Jack a mask of his own, and New Jack puts it on for the hell of it! Hee hee, I hate New Jack but I love this team.

THE BLU BROTHERS vs. NEW JACK and SHARK BOY

The Harris Brothers immediately make sure to eliminate New Jack, throwing him off the apron, so they can get Shark Boy alone for his mask. Shark Boy manages to hang on - allowing New Jack time to get in and beat them up. New Jack gets a chair, runs off the apron, and hits Heavy D in the head. Shark Boy and Ron Harris slug it out back in the ring. Shark Boy tags in, and Ron throws him all over the ring. Heavy D is tagged in, dropping a leg. Shark Boy tries his damnedest to fight back with dropkicks, but that's quickly rectified, because as usual DON BIG, SHARK SMALL. Chokeslam. Shark Boy is thrown to the floor, where Ron throws him into the guardrail. Heavy D slams a chair over Shark Boy's head - but he recovers and tags in New Jack to NO POP. Good lord, wake up crowd. He manages to take both guys out, and Shark Boy flies off the apron to hit Heavy D. Heavy D throws him into the railing to get rid of him. Meanwhile, New Jack legdrops a chair on Ron's face. New Jack gets a second chair, while Heavy D waits with his own…and slaps New Jack coming off the top. H-Bomb connects, I count at least 93 dead fans immediately with dozens more sure to follow in the aftershock, and that's it. (5:09) DUD Shark Boy gets back in, and H-Bombed. They get his mask and celebrate, while Shark Boy lies down covering his face. New Jack rolls over and gives Shark Boy HIS mask, before anyone can see him, which is perhaps the nicest gesture I've ever seen in pro-wrestling, honestly. Screw Savage and Liz, THAT was sweet. Shark Boy runs away while New Jack takes a massive beating for his friend. But Shark Boy can't leave him alone - returning wearing the Hulk Hands!!!!!! He decks them both, knocking them out of the ring, and poses. God I love this team.

MIKE TENAY has a sitdown with KID KASH while MANKIND stomps around. Tenay calls Kash disrespectful, but Kash laughs it off, stating his paid his dues. He says a lot of the young guys in the business are only there because they knew or blew someone. He names off a list of guys he's beaten while Abyss walks around attacking the set. Kash tells Tenay not to talk smack until he climbs into the ring to wrestle. Abyss squares to attack for no real reason, and Kash tells him to relax. Tenay asks him about the lack of respect for women? He calls them ring rats, that's all. Tenay says it must be nice to say whatever he wants when he can hide behind Abyss - so Abyss gets in Tenay's face while Kash talks down to him. For whatever reason, they're another tag-team I'm getting into. Tenay makes his Angry Face.

Erik Watts has a promo video. Heaven help us all.

SCOTT HUDSON wants an interview with ERIK WATTS and GOLDILOCKS. He wants to know what the deal is with this "Eric" he keeps referring to in WCW that's coming to save TNA. Watts says that all great deals take time, and he's talking to Eric every day, and next week is when Eric comes to the Asylum. Goldilocks says when Eric shows up, she wants her job back. This turns into something about Goldilocks not wearing panties, and the pair walking off likely to buy a pair.

NURSE VERONICA and A SLUTTY CHEERLEADER attack LOLLIPOP. Security promptly breaks it up.

Another Christopher Daniels promo this week. He's returning soon to save your soul, say your prayers.

ELIX SKIPPER makes his way to the ring. He brings a scale - which we can only imagine will prompt a feud with Crash Holly. Pound for pound, he's the best athlete in the universe apparently.

ELIX SKIPPER vs. DON WEST'S FAVORITE WRESTLER

Red's back from Japan. And he brought Evan Karagias' hair. Red with a rollup, and gets a 2. Skipper rolls out - Red tries a baseball slide dropkick, but Elix stops him and DDT's him on the floor. Red rolled back in, Elix covers and gets 2. A nasty looking kneelift drops Red, and a double underhook suplex draws 2. Twisting legdrop - and Skipper gets 2. Lionsault misses - allowing Red a chance for a floatover DDT. From the top, he hits a second DDT, covers, and gets 2. Red with a rana into a cover - but Elix slips out the back at 2. Spinkick drops Red, and the best athlete in the universe gets a chair. The referee takes the chair away - and Red rolls Skipper up for 2. The referee makes sure that darn chair stays away, and behind his back Elix grabs his scale, hits Red, and gets the pin. (4:59) 3/4* Lousy.

BEHIND THE PAINT: PART THREE

Mike wants to talk about Sting's first run as NWA World Champion. Ric made him look like a million bucks, just 5 months after blowing his knee out.

Life in WCW was always a far cry from first place. There was always the WWF, THEN came WCW. They fought hard for years, and finally caught up with Nitro. There were no hidden motives, creative juices were flowing, and they were #1 by far.

Repelling into the arena was always a tough thing, and if he had to do it tonight he'd be nervous as hell with a tight sphincter. He said it, not me.

NEXT WEEK: Sting nearly loses his family.

EDWARD CHASTAIN and THE JACKYL head down to the ring. The name of his move? The Quarter Ton Senton. I love it! Callis is fully qualified to act as Chastian's manager, and help downsize the company. While hardcore wrestling attracts a certain alcoholic degenerate crowd, the wrestling demographic does not want hardcore wrestling any longer. Suddenly, some unfamiliar music plays, and we're greeted by…

EDWARD CHASTAIN (with Don Callis) vs. NORMAN SMILEY

Apparently Norman's from Miami now, not England. For god's sakes, PUSH HIM! Outside of hardcore matches, Smiley can GO. Chastain drives Smiley back to the corner, before running him over with a shoulder block. Norman finds himself in a position to Smack Dat Bitch Up, but informs the fans it's just not time yet. He tries a sunset flip, but Chastain drops down…missing. Back elbow from Chastain, followed by a clothesline attempt which Norman stops and turns into an armbar! GO NORMAN! Goddamn, Chastain powers out and slams Norman - covering, and getting 2 before Norman puts a foot in the ropes. Norman recovers, and tries to knock the big guy down with clotheslines. Success! Chastain falls into the ropes, and here it is. SMACK DA BITCH UP! Chastain quickly up, Ground Zero Splash, fuck. (3:09) 1/2* Disrespectful.

THE INTERROGATORS make thoughtful faces. The guests - AMERICA'S MOST WANTED.

June 25th, 2003 - Harris: "Cage match - greatest night of our careers."

Christopher Daniels - Storm: "One of the greatest wrestlers I've ever stepped into the ring with."

Elix Skipper - Harris: "Extraordinary athlete, but the cage wasn't his house."

Clint Eastwood or John Wayne - Storm: "John Wayne, make my day. Clint Eastwood."

The Death Sentence From The Top Of The Cage - Harris: "Insane."

Riding Bulls or Bucking Broncos - Storm: "Neither one, ropin' rats baby!"

Glen Gilberti - Harris: "Jackass."

Bret Hart - Storm: "Best there ever will be."

Rock 'N Rock Express or Midnight Express - Harris: "RNR Express baby - best babyface tag team of all time."

Jack Daniels or Jim Beam - Storm: "Ol' Jack baby, but Cat here can't handle his Jack." Harris: "I have one bad night…."

TNA - Harris: "TNA is home, and home is where the heart is."

8 Second Ride, or Catatonic - Storm: "The 8 Second Ride baby, I've seen people get up from the Catatonic." Harris: "Hey, I got up from the 8 Second Ride."

TNA World Tag-Team Titles - Harris: "Tradition, and from here on America's Most Wanted will be right next to it." Storm: "They're exactly where they're supposed to be, with America's Most Wanted."

THE MANAGER OF CHAMPIONS stands in the ring with SIMON DIAMOND and JOHNNY SWINGER, calling in JEREMY BORASH. Swinger whines about being jobbed out. Simon accuses the NWA of playing favorites with AMW. Gilberti reads from Borash's "From The Inside" and quotes the paragraph putting over AMW. The gang forces Borash to eat his words by shoving the paper down his throat. Borash turns and DECKS Gilberti - and the three attack. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED hit the ring and clean house. Diamond grabs a chair and nails Storm, while Swinger hits Harris. Gilberti pulls up a chair midring and says he's not leaving until someone sanctions a title shot for Diamond and Swinger. Coming out is RAVEN - and beats up all three temporarily. Someone gets the bright idea to ring the bell a hundred times to stop the mayhem. Harris spears Swinger right out of the ring! And we have a brawl through the crowd. While the tag-team's head off…

Raven grabs a microphone. He's not here to whine, bitch or complain. He's here to demand that Shane Douglas and James Mitchell take a walk through his Clockwork Orange House Of Pain. Appearing on stage is MY LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLER and JAMES MITCHELL - but before they can really say anything, Raven's up and beating the hell out of them! It's all mayhem I tells ya! He can't hit the Raven effect before BRIAN LEE and SLASH make their return to TNA! 3-on-1 beatdown ensues, while Mitchell helpfully adds a chair to the mix. Mitchell promises Raven's first lesson in pain - hitting three drop toe holds onto the chair - busting him open. Raven's response while being beaten: "Go to hell!" So Douglas hits a fourth drop toe hold. Mitchell says he's not going to hell - he's brought hell to Raven instead.

Backstage, SCOTT HUDSON stands with LEGEND. He's here as a "Great Canadian Athlete" to rid TNA of Jarrett.

LEGEND vs. JEFF JARRETT

Jarrett attacks while Legend's entering - so the brawl's back on. Jarrett backdrops Legend over the top rope to the floor. Legend is slammed head first to the announce table and tossed into the crowd. Jarrett grabs a chair and smacks Legend over the head. He throws it at Legend, grabs at it again, but the security gets in his face. Jarrett hits anything that moves with the chair before cracking Legend again. Chair driven into Legend's midsection a number of times - Legend gets back into the ring, and Jarrett climbs to the top with the chair. Off the top he goes - and nails Legend on the way down. VIC VENOM joins the fray with his bat in hand - swings, but Jarrett blocks the bat with the chair. Legend grabs the fallen bat and nails Jarrett in the head. Cover, and THREE??? (2:23) DUD I'm sorry, three weeks of non-stop brawling for THAT? Give me a break.

NEXT WEEK: America's Most Wanted vs. Diamond/Swinger for the belts, The Gathering vs. The Disciples Of The New Church, 2/3 falls - D'Lo Brown vs. AJ Styles for the world title.

Once again, SCOTT HUDSON gets an interview - this time with VINCE RUSSO in a hockey helmet. He declares Jarrett out of the title picture, having lost to Legend. Russo declares "wrestlers are stupid" and promises that someone will be hurt.

D'LO BROWN is in the ring, with the Russo Cage - awaiting Vince. Russo comes out - and continually reminds us "I'm no wrestler". THEN STOP BOOKING YOURSELF AS TALENT, DIPSHIT. Before anything happens, AJ STYLES hits the ring and it's on. D'Lo backdrops him, and throws him into the side of the Russo cage. D'Lo locks AJ in the cage - but THE SON is there to "even" things up even further. He has handcuffs and goes to handcuff D'Lo to the top…but D'Lo handcuffs HIM! Next up - TRINITY. She takes a Lo Down. D'Lo turns his attention to the cage, and doesn't see LEGEND hit the ring. AJ breaks through the cage and we have a beatdown. Trinity gets Siaki loose, and everyone takes turns stomping on the #1 contender. Styles picks up D'Lo and drops him in the Styles Clash. He follows that with an STF, while the bell keeps ringing on, and on, and on. Russo yells a lot about D'Lo sucking or something. The 5 hold up their arms in victory - while Russo wants D'Lo to say the words "I Suck". And that's it, as the show goes off the air 15 minutes early.

Uh, wow…

That was god awful. One good match, one okay match, and tons of crap! Next week's card is shaping up to be promising at least, so we'll give them a chance to redeem themselves. They sure as hell can't pull a whole lot of these and keep expecting to draw in regular viewers.

Here's hoping next week's show has a pulse. See ya!