NWA TNA: July 9, 2003
By: Chris Fothergill-Brown
July 14, 2003
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR ME SAY ABOUT SHANE DOUGLAS: His promo skills are vastly underrated.
LAST WEEK: Father James Mitchell and Shane Douglas attack Raven ally CM Punk, New Jack takes on Sandman in the finals of the HARD 10, Abyss takes on Eric Watts: Kid Kash is at ringside, Tracy and Nurse Veronica make an open challenge, Justin Credible faces Jerry Lynn in a chain match, and Jeff Jarrett confronts Vince Russo.
TONIGHT: Good Friends, Better Enemies. Diesel takes on Shawn Michaels in a street fight - who's side will Mad Dog Vachon be on? Oh, wrong tape…
TONIGHT: Good Friends, Better Enemies. AJ Styles vs. D'Lo Brown for the NWA World Title.
Earlier today at 6:38pm, SCOTT HUDSON (rock on!) was at the arena, getting a scoop. JEFF JARRETT arrived, against doctor's orders. Jarrett on Russo and Styles: "You tell them boys, batter up." Scott Hudson nods - and will no doubt deliver that important message.
We are live from the TNA Asylum, with fat chicks abound! MIKE TENAY and DON WEST hold the fort.
We don't even know what the opening match is, but here's a…
TALE OF THE TAPE
- Gilberti on a mission
- AMW: Wrestling's hottest tag-team
- Can Swinger and Diamond rely on experience edge?
SIMON DIAMOND and JOHNNY SWINGER (with Glen Gilberti: The Manager Of Champions - hey remember The Mamalukes?) vs. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED
Chris Harris takes early control - causing Diamond and Swinger to tag in and out quickly, to no avail. They come back with a double elbow - leading to a 2 from Swinger. Diamond comes back in - and meets a Thesz press. He can't tag out though, as Swinger cuts off the ring - causing Storm to jump in anyway and pound the shit out of everything in sight. I love random acts of violence. Unfortunately, this causes issues as the ref pulls him out and the heels work over Harris. Cover from Swinger with feet on the bottom ropes…oops - the ref caught him. Tenay notes the Negro Casas vs. Shocker match scheduled for later has been cancelled as the boys decided they didn't want to show. Well - fuck them! However, the open door policy remains. Diamond hits the Simon Series suplexes for 2. Swinger tagged in - but Harris suddenly gets a burst of juice and manages to clear the ring. Harris…makes the tag - but the ref misses it! Storm held back on the apron, and Harris continues getting worked over. "BULLSHIT!" If ya smelalalalalalall what Russo's cooking. Harris again manages to fight them off and makes a second tag (Tenay: "makes the hot tag!") that the ref sees. Storm cleans house. Swinger tries to throw Storm over the top - but he hangs on, and as Swinger tries to baseball slide him off the apron, he skins the cat - and follows with a crossbody. Storm back in - to the top rope, hits a crossbody on Diamond, which gets 2. Heels regroup in time to take a double DDT. Harris gets tagged back in - and we have a double team bulldog. Diamond backdrops Storm out to the floor, and Diamond hits a sitdown jawbreaker. It gets 2. Storm crawls back in. Diamond goes to the top - but Storm throws Swinger into him to cut him off, and Harris sends him out. Harris a great top rope rana! That's another 2! Superkick from Storm on Swinger - Gilberti leaves his seat…and pushes Harris off the top rope to the floor. The ref checks on him - Gilberti gets a chair, and smashes Storm. Swinger covers… 1, 2, Storm kicks out!!! Harris back in - SPEAR! He makes a cover while Storm holds off Diamond… 1, 2, 3!!!!! (8:54) **3/4
Let's look at Christopher Daniels' package. Errrr, wait, let's look at a Christopher Daniels package. That's better. A good description is "Sean O'Haire, except interesting". Say your prayers.
In the ring stands JUST JOE. Dressed in Yankees gear and wielding a bat, I guess he's impersonating Vince Russo. It would explain the strange New York accent to go along with his Kanyon lisp. "Vince" wants us to meet his best friend - Jeff Jarrett. I don't believe him for some reason. And dressed in 1995 Jeff Jarrett gear comes VIC VENOM. He does the Fargo strut, and the fans chant for Russo. "Listen up Slapnuts, I've got all the stroke around here and the proof is around my waist. Well, not anymore. But Vince Russo, tonight is all about you. It's gonna be a J-E-DOUBLEF J-A-DOUBLER-E-DOUBLET night." Good gawd… Russo does a fairly good impression, aside from the blatant New York accent. He promises male nudity tonight - just to show the censors. "Jeff" requests "Vince" drop his pants so he can kiss his ass. And now THE REAL DOUBLE J hits the ring. He gets in a few shots, but before long we have a deja vous, and it's last week all over again! Jarrett and Legend go back and forth all over the arena. Legend tries to dump Jarrett over the stairs, but Jarrett escapes and does it to Legend, who has a few feet to fall. Tenay and West figure 15-20 feet, so that outta make it about 8. Legend recovers quickly enough and smacks Jarrett with a chair. He then drives the chair into Jarrett's nutsack, stuffs Jarrett's head between the guardrail and kicks. That busts him wide open! It's a fairly nice cut too - because his whole face is red in seconds. Back in the ring, Legend sets up two chairs side by side - and goes for a powerbomb through them, not seen on TV since the infamous Mexican Hardcore Match on Monday Nitro in June of 1999. Poor Damien. Jarrett avoids this fate however, and backdrops Joe through the chairs. He follows with The Stroke right onto a still standing chair - and now he tapes Joe's arms to the top rope. Tenay marks out. With Joe spread like an eagle, Jarrett grabs the bat. Russo scoots in to save Joe - and takes 5 baseball bat shots to the back/ribs - before locking on the Figure Four. Legend gets out of the tape and slaps Jarrett in the head with a chair. Stone Cutter connects, and Jarrett's down. Russo holds a prone Jarrett - and the baseball bat shots from Legend start. Russo grabs a mic: "Keep coming, keep coming, keep coming, there's no title shot for you." SECURITY and JERRY JARRETT rush the ring to break this all up.
Backstage we go! SCOTT HUDSON stands with CHRIS SABIN. Hudson suggests he can't ignore Frankie Kazarian. Sabin says he'd love to give Kazarian a shot at his title, but he's on a losing streak - and we don't give title shots to losers. Maybe if he wins 10-15 matches in a row, he'll get a shot.
Who built this house? Elix Skipper! I think this is the same package we got last week…
Speak of the devil, SKIP OVER joins the boys on commentary for our next match.
KID ROMEO vs. MATT SYDAL vs. ALTAR BOY LUKE vs. DELIRIOUS vs. MATT STRYKER vs. FRANKIE KAZARIAN (in an elimination match)
Now we're talking! I haven't even heard of 4 of these guys. I'd suggest that the winner's not REALLY in doubt, but this is TNA who gave us Chris Sabin and Frankie Kazarian completely out of the blue. We start with Stryker and Delirious. Stryker takes him down with a spinebuster for 2. Delirious runs around the ring - gets in, and gets hiptossed. Kazarian tagged in, goes for La Majistral, and that gets 2. Meanwhile, at the commentary table, Skipper's pissed that Tenay doesn't want to talk about him - so he takes off to the back. In the ring, Luke has replaced Kazarian, and takes a Delirious missile dropkick. Sydal tags Delirious - hits a flying clothesline, and gets a 2. Romeo tags Luke, flying clothesline on Sydal. Drop toe hold - standing shooting star press, cover, 1, 2, kickout by Romeo. Romeo comes back with a headscissors takeover - and alleyoop. Cover for 2. Romeo tags in Kazarian who hits a slingshot legdrop for 2. Sydal tags out to Stryker. He hotshots Kazarian onto the top rope, taking advantage of the sore ribs. He's knocked off the apron - and Stryker gets kicked out by Sydal. Here comes the spots!!!! Delirious hits a tope suicida onto the two on the floor. Alter Boy Luke dives onto everyone with a tope con hilo! Double springboard press by Romeo follows - which leaves Sydal to hit a top rope moonsault onto everyone. Kazarian sneaks in with Stryker, tries a pin, but only gets 2. Stryker back in - Sydal tries a dropkick that misses by 6 feet, but Stryker sells it anyway. Sydal only gets 2. He misses another dropkick by 6 feet - and Stryker doesn't sell that one. Stryker catapults Sydal onto Kid Romeo's shoulders - Romeo plants him with something that Tenay calls "Last Chance" and that eliminates Sydal. (6:15) Luke gets in - hits the Holy Driver, and trips on his way to the outside to try something. Moonsault from the OUTSIDE back in - called the Halo, and it gets 2. Romeo with a bulldog for 2. Kazarian tags in, as does Delirious - and poor Luke winds up on the receiving end of a German suplex. Delirious tries a weird pin thing that even the ref isn't sure about - before counting 1 and Kazarian rolling away. Yakuza kick from Kazarian, followed by a backdrop into a bridge, which eliminates Delirious. (7:59) Stryker in with a Thesz press, followed by moonsault - but Kazarian gets the knees up and tags in Romeo. A powerslam gets 2 from Stryker. What the hell happened to Luke? He seems to have up and disappeared. Romeo and Stryker wind up on the top rope, where Romeo hits a super Last Chance, and that finishes off Stryker. (9:15) Kazarian leaps in with a dropkick - followed by a springboard back elbow. Romeo goes for his move again - but Kazarian sneaks away, nails Back To The Future and scores the pin to become the #1 contender to the X Title. (9:52) *** Luke wuz robbed!
CHRIS SABIN wanders out to ringside immediately after the match. He's got a microphone. "Alright Frankie, you proved something to me tonight. You proved that you're a worthy contender. So I tell ya what son, you will get a title shot…and it's gonna be right now."
FRANKIE KAZARIAN vs. CHRIS SABIN (for the NWA X title)
Sabin attacks before Kazarian even knows what the hell's going on. Sabin throws Kazarian into the ringpost ribs first - then wraps him around, and yanks on the injured ribs. Whip into the rail - followed by a hotshot on the railing, and double axehandle shot. Back in the ring, Kazarian comes back with an overhead belly to belly - and the challenger isn't dead yet. Twisting neckbreaker, Sabin rolls to the outside - and Kazarian decides to go airborn. Dumb move - Sabin gets a knee out and Kazarian crashes in ribs first. Back in, Sabin tries a springboard sunset flip, but Kazarian sits down and gets 2. They fight to the top rop - Kazarian tries a Flux Capacitor, but Sabin shoves him off, comes back down and hits a crucifix RIGHT into the corner turnbuckle head first. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Future Shock, cover, Sabin retains! (3:07) *1/4 I love this feud!
Backstage, JEFF JARRETT lies on the floor, while SCOTT HUDSON reports on the fact that…well, Jarrett is lying on the floor. VINNY RU and JUST JOE charge the scene - and beat on him again.
LOLLIPOP takes up valuable time. She can't keep a straight face while calling out Bitchslap. And here's NURSE VERONICA to answer the challenge. APRIL PENNIGTON jumps in, and security breaks it up faster than last week. Thank god.
MIKE TENAY sits with JAMES MITCHELL. He hates Raven for being a whiner, so he called the nearest black pot he could, and invited Shane Douglas into the fed. He brings up the fact that Raven's always found a reason to bitch and complain, be it losing a couple matches, or having an argument with a promoter. Meanwhile, 3 years ago in ECW he had a device blow up his hands, costing him part of his finger and put a hole in his abdomen. He lost his wife, his home, his cars, his family, his pets, but he didn't whine about it. Mitchell laughs at the idea Raven even knows what the dark side is.
JULIO DENIRO and ALEXIS LAREE stand in the ring. He wants a piece of Shane Douglas RIGHT now…
JULIO DENIRO (with Alexis Laree) vs. MY LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLER
Julio dropkicks Douglas and chokes him with his own t-shirt. Vertical suplex, and back to the shirt choking. Belly to back suplex, nicest Flatliner I've EVER seen, cover, it only gets 2. Julio works over Douglas in the ropes, with more choking. Douglas comes back with an eyepoke but Julio no-sells (HAH!) and hits a full nelson slam, and gets 2. Douglas rolls outside, and stands around until Julio leaps over the top and crossbody's him. Alexis wanders over and slaps Douglas, before kicking the shit out of him. Man - who got Shane to actually sell for someone "beneath" him tonight? Julio leaps off the stairs and nails Shane. Douglas comes back by knocking Julio into the guardrail and whips out a fireman's carry onto the ringsteps. Back in, Douglas hits a powerslam for 2. Julio comes back with a back elbow, followed by a senton splash and backdrop. Flying Jalapeno connects - cover, 2. Shane sent abdomen first into the corner - superkick - and a Julio chant breaks out! Man alive, put him over NOW! SQUASH DOUGLAS! Douglas starts the inevitable comeback - but then Alexis shocks me by coming off the top with a tornado DDT and keeps the momentum in the corner of the The Gathering! Julio covers, 1, 2, FUCK! Alexis stays on the apron, Julio gets whipped into her knocking her down - he turns, belly to belly suplex, 1, 2, 3. Go right to hell. (5:52) **
JAMES MITCHELL comes to the ring to burn us all further. Alexis tries to make the save, but Douglas slams her and she takes the fireball. The heels have a good laugh.
Backstage, Russo continues to beat down Jarrett, now on a stretcher. TNA - meet overkill.
SKULL (with 8-Ball) vs. DEAN ROLL
I got an e-mail asking me who the heck Dean Roll is - and why do I keep referring to him in Shark Boy matches. You mean to tell me YOU missed that one episode of Thunder about 4 years about when he wrestled without a mask and under his real name? And so continues the exciting adventures of acquiring Shark Boy's mask - will Heavy D get the job done? Don pounds away, but DON LARGE - SHARK SMALL! HURT LITTLE MAN! GRRRRRRR! Shark Boy comes back with 2 dropkicks, escapes a snake eyes, rolls up Harris, and gets 2! Off the ropes - clothesline doesn't work because DON LARGE - SHARK SMALL! Ron pulls Shark Boy to the floor and launches him into the guardrail. Shark Boy back in - corner to corner clotheslines hit. He goes for the mask, but Shark Boy rolls out to the floor. This feud could REALLY use one important element to interest…well, anyone. That element being - would SOMEONE (Tenay is fine - honestly) play up the fact that the mask is important to Shark Boy? No one's said it - so what the hell am I supposed to care that someone is trying to take it off? It hasn't even been implied by anyone. Shark Boy is not Kane. He's not Rey Jr. He's some dude in a mask, having some fun. Shark Boy comes back in, and nails a jawbreaker, followed by a neckbreaker. He mounts the turnbuckle - and does the 10 punch count-a-long, and bites Heavy D. Momentum does not last - chokeslam, bye. (5:23) 1/2*
The beating is not over. Ron in - H-Bomb! The fans in what appears to be a 20 foot radius topple over and die, as usual. Don grabs the mask and shows off his prize. Meanwhile, that wiley Shark Boy shows everyone that he's wearing another mask. See -everyone wins! They get the mask they wanted (they never said they wanted to show off his face…) - and Shark Boy remains a mystery. The Harris Brothers are apparently upset though - and try to unmask him again. Shark Boy escapes to the back before doing so…
It's TNA Weekly Update - with THREE STONERS. They make their usual jokes. "The Kobe Bryant alleged sex scandal making headlines this week…the rumors that the 19-year old in question is Juventud Guerrera are completely unfounded." "Juventud isn't 19, he's 21 years old…besides, you know who he's dating…Kid Romeo." They riff on Dusty Baker's comments, as BG James nearly collapses from the heat of the lights, while Ron Killings finds it nippy. And the finale comes from BG… "On a more serious note, ladies and gentlemen we sat around earlier in the writers meeting to find something funny to end off the show, and we found this - at Vengeance, this coming up Sunday, Stephanie McMahon vs. Sable…ladies and gentlemen, it doesn't get any funnier than that."
D'LO BROWN shouts about getting a chance, while SCOTT HUDSON holds a microphone. AJ STYLES attacks - and we have ourselves a 10 second brawl. Quick, we have to cut away to…
LOLLIPOP dancing. Quick, cut away to…
KID KASH (with Mankind) vs. JERRY LYNN
Lynn takes control, by riding Kash for the first minute or so. He lets Kash up, and throws him around. Kash heads out to the floor, where Abyss comforts him. Kash informs the referee that Lynn's been pulling his hair, so the referee issues a warning. Kash heads back in…and promptly gets beaten up with various takedowns. Kash with the great equalizer - the rake of the eyes! Kash tries to follow up but takes a tilt-a-whirl slam, into a cover, and that's a 2. Kash again rolls out, while Tenay notes that Abyss was part of the IWA and held all 3 major titles in the past year. Back in - Lynn rolls Kash up, and gets 2. Kash throws Lynn to the outside - Abyss catches him in the Torture Rack dropdown thing he does. Lynn rolled back in - slingshot suplex gets 2. Kash uses the Hand In The Face (Kash's name for the iron claw) - but Lynn breaks it and hits a neckbreaker. Front suplex, cover, 2. Kash tries a double jump moonsault but misses - and Lynn hits the TKO. The referee is bumped in here and here comes Abyss. DDT from Lynn takes Abyss down, and he follows it with a top rope rana on the big man! Nice!!! Sets the cradle piledriver - HEADBANGER JUSTIN hits the ring with a kendo stick, and whacks Lynn while the ref chats about breeds of kittens with Abyss. Referee turns, Kash covers, we have a winner. (7:07) *1/2 Smarks will eat me alive…but man, Jerry Lynn sucks.
Here's an exciting video package. Sonny Siaki is an Ace In The Hole, and Samoan. Shooting Star Press writer Bryon Frazier suggests he call himself The Son and get it over with.
MIKE TENAY talks about hardcore legends. The Sheik, Terry Funk, Abdullah The Butcher, and Hard Ten winner…THE SANDMAN. He slowly staggers down to ringside, where a trophy waits, Sandman's name etched on the first nameplate. 2-3 odds says it gets smashed, 2-1 odds says it gets stolen. On how it feels to be champion: "I'm hurtin'." He's starting to look old… Budweiser's are poured into the cup - and Sandman goes Stanley cup on it, before inviting the crowd. Tenay gets excited on the house mic, while Sandman pours beer into the mouths of the TNA faithful. "WE WANT BEER!" SOME REALLY FAT GUY IN A SUIT attacks during this celebration - and is joined by (YES!!!!!!!!) DON CALLIS! I missed the fat guy's name, it sounded like Edward Chastain or something. I need a graphic with helpful spelling. Callis declares hardcore wrestling and Sandman's career over with. Man - this guy is the gift that keeps on giving! The fat guy goes to smash Sandman with the trashcan, but Callis asks that we keep things corporate, puts on a latex glove, and trashes the hardcore cup. Awesome segment.
BEHIND THE PAINT: PART 2
Favorite opponent: Ric Flair
Favorite match: Great American Bash 1990
Dusty Rhodes: The most charismatic man ever.
Eric Bischoff: Gotta give credit where credit is due - he got Nitro going, and he was a huge part of its success.
Roddy Piper: Talented character.
Bret Hart: Great finishing hold.
The Ultimate Warrior: Very bizarre.
Vince McMahon: Best chess player of all time.
Hulk Hogan: Best chess player of all time. The Michael Jordan of wrestling.
Randy Savage: One of his favorite characters of all time.
Impact of the Internet on wrestling: Good and bad… Doesn't pay attention to it - even though people say really nice things about him, some people will tear you apart, and he doesn't need to hear it. Feels the people that do that are doing it because it's all they know how to do. Why are they watching in that case? They're watching because they love it and know it - so they oughta start talking positive.
NEXT WEEK: Final edition of Monday Nitro discussed!
SCOTT HUDSON stands with the incredibly naked TRINITY. On Scott's mind? Where's AJ Styles? Yeah…that's what you're thinking Scott. She calls him Scotty Not 2 Hotty (HAR, THE WIT!) and says she doesn't need to prove herself to anyone. It's all about the Trinity.
NEXT WEEK: More hype. Raven's back, Justin vs. Jerry part 4, Shark Boy will team up with New Jack against Harris Brothers, Jeff Jarrett will take on Joe, and more!
TALE OF THE TAPE
- Teacher vs. Student
- Russo vs. Equalizer
- Styles Clash vs. Lo-Down
D'LO BROWN vs. AJ STYLES (for the NWA world heavyweight title)
Russo doesn't come out with Styles. JEREMY BORASH does the intros. Before we get started - D'Lo brings out his equalizer…RUSSO IN A CAGE. That's about as lame an equalizer you could deliver. Styles runs down to try to get Russo out - so D'Lo attacks and throws him down the ramp. Back in - D'Lo knocks AJ down, and powerslams him. Shaky shaky legdrop, and a shove follow. Russo shakes at his door. Styles works a headlock for awhile but takes a nasty looking belly to back suplex. He rolls out - and D'Lo spears him back into the guardrail! He tries a whip to the guardrail, but Styles smartly slides underneath it. He stands - and meets a D'Lo clothesline, before getting rolled back in. Slingshot senton, cover, only 2. Styles stands - charges D'Lo - and he gets elevated like he's going for a Sky High but hits a Stunner on the way back down! Cover gets 2. Whoever told D'Lo to wrestle "WWF style" for the past 7 years can go to hell. Styles dropkicks at D'Lo's knee, and quickly follows with a standing Frankensteiner, and spinning heel kick. D'Lo falls outside, and Styles poses. Mother of god - Styles stands next to the apron and jumps OVER the top rope with a moonsault and crashes into D'Lo. There's a white man that CAN jump! Back in, Styles tries a leapfrog in the corner, but gets caught with a double leg slam. Slugfest - D'Lo wins. Clotheslines, a backdrop, and a shaky shaky legdrop follow. That's only a 2. TRINITY heads on down and climbs right up to the top. She hits a somersault splash on D'Lo - referee paying no attention. Styles scoots in to cover…and gets 2. D'Lo gets whipped into the corner - stopping short of nailing the ref, turns, and ducks an enzuigiri that doesn't miss the ref! Styles turns around, and meets a Sky High, followed by the Lo-Down…but the referee remains dead. THE SON hits the ring, and belts D'Lo with a baseball bat. He hits the Siakalypse, and gets out of the way so Styles can hit a frog splash of his own. Referee wakes up, 1, 2, 3. Tenay: Damn! (7:24) **
Russo and his clan lock D'Lo in the cage - and shove it over. Styles beats on the cage with the baseball bat as Tenay announces we are desperately out of time.
The first half of the show was great - but everything after the Sabin/Kazarian match went right down hill. It felt like I was watching 2 different shows…sounds familiar.
'Til next week…