The Issue #5
By: Bryon Frazier
July 17, 2003
The Issue
The Home Run Derby was more interesting than Raw this past week, so it was able to win me over during the "dividing my time" period, causing me to miss a large portion of the second hour of Raw. On top of that, when I turned back it was the Jim Ross/Kane interview and I wasn't overly concerned with seeing this so I moved on for the night. I later found out that Ross was set on fire.
Why do I always miss the good things? This HAS to mean that Good Ol' JR won't be around this upcoming Monday, or else he'll officially overtake Triple H's recovery from his "20 ft. Car Fall of Death" in terms of biggest stretches of medicine in wrestling history, and we all know that can't happen. Then again, they greatly adjusted reality with that whole Kurt Angle-experimental neck surgery thing. I couldn't help but think that the doctor was dressed like Papa Shango as he shook a smoldering bowl of ash at Angle's neck before stabbing a chicken and asking Kurt to drink its blood. Nevertheless, Angle returned in 6 weeks from an injury that has been known to require at least a year of recovery if not the end of a career. So expect the Godfather to be resurrecting his old gimmick any day now as he becomes Angle's master. Voodoo witchdoctors can control the dead you know.
So anyway, is Kane really scarred or has he just been lying for almost 6 years? Is he the Undertaker's brother who was horribly burned as a child, or just some guy who once committed vehicular manslaughter and then defiled her carcass in the morgue days later? Similarly, has Jim Ross really been burned or was it his stunt double and we'll have the Oklahoman back at the announce table on Monday? Was Jazz severely injured in the women's battle royale last week? Is Tajiri fighting for his life in some E.R. after Eddy smashed him into that windshield? I'm getting tired of the WWE playing with my emotions!
Seriously though, I think the injury angle has run its course. These days if you don't see the "X" sign then you know it's not real so why bother getting worked up over it? Everyone remembers Kevin Nash's classic tumble a year ago. That made for great entertainment because it was REAL. That was quality quad-ripping there, none of this goofy "my stomach hurts so bad I'm spitting up blood" or "I'm so injured I'm unconscious" crap. I'm not suggesting we need more real injuries, just less fake ones. What purpose did it serve for John Cena to be sidelined during the Wrestlemania buildup this year? I'd understand if a heel took out a face, but that was vice versa, and it's not like it gave Smilin' Brock Lesnar more street cred to get over, because he looks scary enough -- almost like a human version of Barney the Purple Dinosaur.
Even if an injury angle were done to get a heel over as dangerous, we don't need to have people set on fire or run over with cars. That's the kind of behavior that normal people are too capable of relating to; they don't need to be world class athletes to get out the lighter fluid and spark a match. The WWE needs to go back to the old conventions. Basically, we need more Pillmanizings and less "Hogan ramming Rock's ambulance with a semi."
Will someone PLEASE think of the children!?!?!
Other than that, wrestling sucked this week. The main event of Raw was apparently Gail Kim vs. Molly Holly. Don't get me wrong, I'm one of the few fans of women's wrestling, especially when they seem to be capable of something more than 7 hair tosses and a schoolgirl rollup. However, the main event of any televised show should feature either established main event players or people that the company hopes will become main eventers. Somehow I doubt Gail Kim will be headlining any Wrestlemanias, so why waste a time slot? Put the Booker-Christian match there, or at least the insipid 6-man tag match (Why in the hell was it a clean sweep? You mean to tell me Ric Flair couldn't afford to take a 3-D and a seat?). In the world of television, small decisions like these are make-or-break. They can't afford to screw around with the viewing public. We have been trained through the years that the last match is always the most important. It'd be in the WWE's best interest to not forget that.
Let's hope they realize the error of their ways, but if not then we can still enjoy the fact that Jim Ross will be gone for a long time. Burns heal very slowly and . . . wait a minute, did anyone see an "X" sign? Ah FUCK!
A Reason Why I Miss WCW
According to a recent article, the stunt coordinator behind Jim Ross's latest fall from grace also had a hand in Sting's similar but slightly more literal fall back in WCW. That was the first incident that I can remember where the wrestler didn't perform his own stunt. What the hell? Aren't these guys just glorified stunt men anyway?
No, pathetic old men being unwilling to do something dangerous isn't a reason for missing WCW, but storylines like Vampiro setting Sting on fire and tossing him off the TurnerTron on the other hand . . .
I guess in essence I'm referring to that chocolaty goodness known as Wrestlecrap (a great website by the way) that just hasn't been the same since the southern promotion went south, or north I suppose. The garbage that has been produced solely by the WWE over the past couple of years just isn't quite up to par with the drek that the two companies were able to churn out when they were engaged in the Monday Night Wars. Vampiro was hanging out with the friggin' Misfits! Brad Armstrong and Chase "Steinerized" Tatum were a part of Master P's No Limit Soldiers! This kind of entertainment warranted WCW's existence. We the fans needed this in our lives, and it also showed others what not to do. You see, WCW was both fun and educational! Don't misunderstand, the WWF didn't shy away from unintentional comedy. The Real Man's Man? The Oddities? Mideon? NAKED MIDEON!?!?!
The point is that when the WWF and WCW were trying like hell to overtake one another, it inspired so many bad ideas that this alone is a reason to miss that era. You can't have steak every day; some days you have to have some good old-fashioned crap in order to make you appreciate that steak.
Consider the crappy stories, feuds, and gimmicks from the WCW-WWF war to be Reason #4 for why I miss WCW. In fact, this one's such a major reason that it may need to be re-introduced at a later date.