The Issue #22
By: Bryon Frazier
February 12, 2005
During my last foray into the column-writing process, I commented on the absolute comedy that was New Year's Revolution. It may not have been great wrestling, but it sure was entertaining. It was also a month ago, which just shows that I am the most inconsistent writer on the internet. Oh well, enough foreplay.
Final Resolution
This was my first TNA pay-per-view. No, I don't just mean since they switched to the monthly format. I mean that this is the first time I've ever paid more than $0.01 American for TNA wrestling. This is a part of my renewed love for real wrestling, as opposed to the mostly garbage that is given away on free television. First up, I was treated to K-Kwik, Konnan, and KRoad KDogg KJesse KJames, which immediately meant that I wanted my money back. I thought I was done with Konnan and Bullet Bob Armstrong's family, and yet TNA had the gall to throw them at me in the opening match. However, my attempts to get that refund were unsuccessful, so I was stuck with the dirty feeling of having given money in order to see these travesties of wrestling. Luckily for me, they apologized in the form of Elix Skipper and Sonjay Dutt putting on a good old-fashioned spotfest. The wrestling public hadn't seen one of those classics since Killer Kowalski vs. Gorgeous George.
Just when I thought my nostalgiameter couldn't handle any more, they give me Kid Rock against Goldust. I had no idea that Kid Rock was able to fly like that, but on the downside Goldust seems to have lost the luster in his cheeks and replaced it with a rather heelish handle-bar mustache. However, despite his facial hair he was the good guy in this encounter, but then again I bet even X-Pac would be a face against the man who unleashed such crap as "American Badass" and "Bawitdaba" on an unsuspecting public.
You may have noticed that I haven't mentioned the winners thus far, and that's because when it comes to TNA, I generally don't care. All I want from them is entertaining matches, and at this state we're at a surprising two-of-three, but that's because it's always a good match when Goldust is involved. This led into Raven versus Erik Watts, with the winner facing Greg Gagne and Shane McMahon in a handicap match. Of course, since Watts wrestles like he's handicapped, it would only make sense for him to win. Even Raven was ashamed by association as he felt compelled to apologize for the crime that was committed in that very ring.
Next up, a man who is dressed in one of Elvis's old bodysuits from his latter years makes his entrance. He looks vaguely familiar, and after he removes his hat and sunglasses, I patiently await for him to remove the rubber mask before I realize that's his face. Yes indeed, that there is Scott Hall. Obviously, he's going to need someone to carry him in this match, especially since no one bothered to carry him to the ring so I'd be willing to bet he's already gassed. Sadly, his opponent is also in great need of a gurney, as he comes in the form of Jeff Hardy. Just to keep the has-been ratio at 1:1, the referee is Roddy Piper, who is not quite so rowdy in his old age. These days I’d say he’s more belligerent, or maybe even grumpy. This match really wasn't safe because Jeff Hardy is so ridiculously flaming that I kept expecting him to ignite Hall's breath. Of course, if that would've happened then they could've paid homage to the classic Godzilla vs. SuperFag match from Tokyo back in '62. Any potential for entertainment was taken away when Grumpy Roddy Piper confiscated all of Scott Hall’s weaponry. Oh well.
Just out of curiosity, when did this show become the Heroes of Wrestling II? I'm wondering this as I watch Diamond Dallas Page and Kevin Nash make their entrances for their triple threat match along with Monty Brown, who I guarantee wishes he was still playing for the Patriots instead of wrestling two men whose combined age is anywhere between 90 and 200 (depending on who you ask), and we all know Nash is 45. Of course, he looks like he's going on 60 while DDP still looks the same for the tenth consecutive year.
Just when I thought I was watching the WWE/WCW Senior Tour, in come America's Most Wanted as they take on Team Canada, whom I believe are made up of Jim Duggan and Pierre Oulette, with Lance Storm managing. Since his retirement, Lance Storm has really let himself go, although it appears that Duggan and Oulette have really gotten themselves into fantastic shape for this match: they practically look like cruiserweights here. Really it's difficult to ridicule this match, as it featured some great tag-team wrestling, something that is rarely seen these days on free television. AMW hit the Root Beer to finish, but it didn't as instead the finish saw Major Gunns blindly whack Duggan with a chair, allowing AMW to get the schoolboy for the victory.
Finally, we're down to the main event: a triple threat match pitting Chris Sabin, AJ Styles, and Petey Williams against each other for the X Division title belt in an Ultimate X match. This was originally booked to take place at the Winter X Games, but even the TNA bookers thought that would be overdoing it which is really saying something. This match was such an entertaining spotfest that it made Sonjay Dutt and Elix Skipper look like Jackie Gayda and Stacy Keibler, respectively. I was already quite familiar with Styles' work from WCW, and I was quite disappointed that the WWE didn't pick him up when they bought them out. However, this was my first time really getting to see either Sabin or Williams, except I had been treated to multiple clips of Williams' ridiculously contrived finisher. The ending did disappoint me because Styles is once again stuck with a lesser title belt rather than feuding for the big one.
Speaking of which, that last match was only what should've been the main event, and instead we were forced to take in Monty Brown challenging Jeff Jarrett for the NWA World Heavyweight Title. I think we all knew going in that Double J was going to win, even if some of us fooled ourselves into thinking that it'd only be logical to have a face win a number one contender match earlier in the night and then go on to win the title that night. Of course, if you think like that then you haven't been watching wrestling long enough, especially when it comes to guys with alliterative names. So to the surprise of no one Doubs is still the champ, and even when he's not you know he'll still be in the mix. In fact, he kind of reminds me of someone, but I can't put my finger on it.
Royal Rumble
We kick things off with Edge taking on Shawn Michaels in what I wish were a loser leaves town match, but sadly there are no stipulations. Instead it's just two guys who are on equal footing as far as the World Title is concerned, which should be distressing to one or possibly both of them. The match ended when Edge used his new finisher of the roll-up while holding the ropes. Immediately afterward, we had Eddie Guerrero pick Ric Flair's pockets clean of his great Rumble number and his wallet, but sadly the payoff of this whole thing is just Evolution throwing a big fit until they get Flair's stuff back. Personally I'd have kept it as it was with the number switch, but then again I'm not Triple H's father-in-law so I'm not really in a position to make these decisions.
Meanwhile, Gene Snitsky and Jon Heidenreich came about one step shy of proposing to each other in without a doubt the most homoerotic segment in years that didn’t involve Shawn Michaels. Of course, that encounter segued into Heidenreich's casket match against Under Taker. I was hoping for a re-enactment of the Yokozuna-Taker match from Rumble '94, but it was a no-go as Taker actually won this time. You know, I had previously been given the impression that when a particular gimmick is referred to as someone's match, they were a lock to lose. Then again, Heidenreich never has and never will defeat Taker, so how could that possibly change at one of the bigger PPVs of the year? That question remained unanswered as Under Taker unceremoniously tombstoned Heidenreich and kicked him into the casket. The "Groundhog Day" nature of these developments had begun to depress me, but then my savior Christian made his first appearance of the evening as he proceeded to out-rap John Cena. Sure, popular opinion might say that Cena was the better of the two, but mine is the opinion that matters and I say that Christian won.
You know, I'm getting sick and tired of triple threat matches. This next one featured John "Bradshaw" Layfield defending against common sense and logic. Usually when a World Champion is thrown into these types of matches it's so that he can lose the title without actually getting pinned. Such conventions don't apply to JBL though, as he was able to overcome these formidable foes and once again retain his belt. On the plus side, this match allowed the Big Show to have people bounce off of him which is always his strong suit.
Sadly, next up was the official execution of Randy Orton. Luckily, it was also the official execution of his push, so the whole experience evened out. Honestly, I'd have been more surprised if Orton had defeated Hunter Helmsley than I would've been had Heidenreich been able to stuff Taker into that casket. I think we all knew going in that Triple H was going to win, even if some of us fooled ourselves into thinking that it'd only be logical to have a face win a number one contender match on a previous show and then go on to win the title at the pay-per-view. Of course, if you think like that then you haven't been watching wrestling long enough, especially when it comes to guys with alliterative names. So to the surprise of no one Trips is still the champ, and even when he's not you know he'll still be in the mix. In fact, he kind of reminds me of someone, but I can't put my finger on it.
No one orders the Royal Rumble pay-per-view for singles and triple threat matches; we order it for the friggin' Royal Rumble! The clear-cut favorites going in were John Cena and Dave Batista, Tony's and Miguel's brother. I was personally rooting for Eddie Guerrero, Shelton Benjamin, Christian, and of course Paul London. This didn't work out for me as they were all eliminated before the Final Four, which tells me that I hitched my wagon to the wrong horses. Well, at least London went out with a somersaulting bang. The highlights of the match included Eddie and Ben Wah working as a tandem and eliminating several of the early entrants. However, people from El Paso have never gotten along with folks from Atlanta so everyone knew this alliance would not last. Later, Rey Mysterio continued his political maneuvering by getting himself booked as the longest-lasting participant in this year's Rumble. Yeah right Rey, like anyone really believes a midget would last in a match of that nature. Then there was the aforementioned backflip off the apron by Paul London, courtesy of a Gene Snitsky clothesline.
As expected Cena and Batista were the final two and they were both eliminated simultaneously, which according to current news was an accident. The botched ending pissed Vince off so much that he blew out his knee in disgust. That man really takes this stuff personally. I remember when Mankind was accidentally chokeslammed through the roof of the cell, Vince ripped off his own left testicle and threw it across the room. Despite Vince’s anger-induced self-injury (or maybe because of it), they were able to come up with a new finish on the spot and Dave Batista was crowned the Royal Rumble winner.
Raw Is Saitama
To open the show, Eric Bischoff came out to welcome the audience to their first Raw, as well as announce some of tonight's matches. This would've been fine, but he made the mistake of choosing the biggest heel in Japan as his translator. I'm pretty sure he was the most booed man to appear in the entire show, so I was fully advocating them hotshotting the World Title onto him in a booked-on-the-fly bout at the end of the show, but it was apparently a no-go. Instead, he'll be jobbing to Triple H for the next three months in order to correctly pay his dues, then Vince will re-evaluate his current overness and decide where his character should go from there.
Our first match was a submission exhibition between Chris Jericho and Ben Wah, which meant that there was no doubt who'd win and in no time at all Jericho was tapping like the little bitch that he is. Luckily for him, he has his music career to fall back on since this whole wrestling thing doesn't seem to be working out. Sure, his most recent album isn't selling quite as well as he'd like, but at least one of his song's is the official theme of Smackdown! presents No Way Out. Congrats Chris! You're well on your way to that much-deserved Grammy.
Maven Maivia finally shows up again, as I was beginning to worry that his repeated losses to Shelton Benjamin, followed by jobbing to two beaten and battered stiffs, had destroyed his spirit once and for all. If they hadn't, this match against Dave Batista didn't help as he was squashed in about fourteen seconds. The Japanese crowd really seemed to love big Dave, but then again they love baseball too so maybe their appreciation was really in some way related to his brothers. One man whose reception was undoubtedly aimed at him was Yoshihiro Tajiri, who is apparently now being pushed as a non-selling monster as he single-handedly dismantled the World Tag Champions La Resistance. Sure, William Regal chipped in a little bit here and there, but the majority of the workload was put up by the Japan native. Or is that also William Regal? Well you know who I mean and that's what matters. Anyway, after they won the belts, they decided to get raped and groped by the ringside audience by attempting to leave through the crowd without security there to escort them.
Ric Flair was received with "we're not worthy" bows while Shawn Michaels got a good old-fashioned huge face pop as he entered for their match. It was neither a technical masterpiece nor a fast-paced thrill ride, but this still accomplished its goal, and that was nostalgia. The match they worked could've taken place in 1987 and it would not have looked out of place in the slightest, and for once that actually seemed like a good thing. My personal favorite moment was when the crowd began applauding and cheering the infamous Flair top rope spot before he had even gotten to the turnbuckle to climb it. Luckily for everyone, Vince and company didn't forget to throw the Divas out there for a T & A segment, otherwise the Japanese crowd would've been cheated out of the full Raw experience. One of the potentially cool moments failed to happen as sumo legend Akebono chose to remain at his ringside seat while Simon Dean continuously insulted fat people. I was personally hoping to see Simon Dean get sat on, or maybe even shat on, but neither happened.
Randy Orton defeated "Tough" Timmy Tomko with a fruity roll-up before getting destroyed by Christian. Of this I approve. However I do not approve of the eventual jobbing that Christian will be doing for Orton. The only way Christian will defeat Orton at their eventual match is if Stacy turns heel and helps out. Yes, that would be a repeat of the Christian-Jericho feud from last year's WrestleMania, but I'd still place the odds at 2-1 for that happening.
Finally, it was time for the main event between Edge and Triple H, also known as the official execution of Edge as well as the official execution of Edge's push. I am mourning neither. Anyway, it at least helped that Triple H wore his good wrestling boots for this one as it was mostly entertaining until the ending slowed to a crawl toward inevitability, which is the worst kind of finish.
Overall
I truly enjoyed each of these shows in their own unique ways. Final Resolution featured some of the best wrestling that one can hope to see these days. I even enjoyed the reappearance of some old faces . . . some very old faces. The Royal Rumble had the Rumble match itself, which is always a momentous event even when you know who's going to win. It's simply one of those few gimmick matches that can't really fail to deliver the goods. Lastly, Raw Is Saitama had one of the best crowds I've seen in a while. They didn't cheer non-stop like some of the other famous crowds in recent history, but the applauding of great spots, the bowing to Flair, and the unabashed lovefest for Tajiri were all just fun to watch. They truly know their wrestling which is something to be appreciated.
All of this is why I watch wrestling, which is what kills me about the fact that it's all so rare that I have no idea how long I'll have to wait before I get to experience any of it again. Sure, there was Smackdown! Is Saitama, but they seemed to bring their usual crowd over from the U.S. with them. Then again, I think matches like the Bashams versus Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak tend to have that effect.