The Issue #21
By: Bryon Frazier
January 13, 2005
It's amazing what a new year will bring. Not only has it ushered in a renewed spirit in the beloved owner of this very website, who has proceeded to update seemingly daily as opposed to his usual pace of once or twice a season, but it has also brought more brand new writers to this particular neck in the woods. One of them even debuted a new adjective that I can't use in this space for fear of offending people. What can I say, there's a shitload of fucking pussy-ass bitches who surf the net these days.
2005 in particular also brought about a new Raw pay-per-view called New Year's Revolution. It was brought to us live Sunday night from that wannabe United State commonly known as Puerto Rico, the home of former Tough Enough winner and current employment loser Nidia. Granted, things started off on the wrong foot, or leg perhaps as both Eugene Bischoff and Lita Rios went down to severe injuries in the first two matches. Word coming out this morning is that Eugene needs a new left leg and Lita is dead, so we here at ShootingStarPress.com wish for them each to have a speedy recovery. The good news coming out of that first half hour was that Trish retained her Women's Title, but the bad news was that Christian retained his Pay-Per-View Loser Championship for a tenth consecutive month. I guess he's still paying his dues for going over Jericho back at Wrestlemania XX. Damn that Jericho and his political maneuvers!
Next on the card was quite possibly the funniest match ever, as Maven Maivia did not take on Shelton Benjamin. Instead he ducked out early and attempted to talk Shelton into a coma, but when that didn't work he did finally make his return and lost in lightning fast fashion. Maven then was able to negotiate a rematch, which he then lost just as quickly. There have been plenty of wrestlers who have won more than one match on one pay-per-view, but how often does someone lose two of them? In fact, according to my sources the last one to do so was Seamus O'Reilly at New Year's Revolution 1804, when he lost to both Bubonic Bob and the Whooping Cough Kid in back-to-back matches. He died within a week, so here's hoping that Maven doesn't suffer.
Muhammad Hassan started his quest for the World Title by taking down Memphis moron Jerry Lawler by way of six bone-jarring body slams. Luckily he's tougher than a two-dollar whore as he was even able to overcome an illegal dropkick by Lawler. With a victory like that under his belt, I'd say he's well on his way to the top of the mountain. This is in stark contrast to the path of one Gene Snitsky, whose career received the Kiss of Death when he lost to Kane. If you're uncertain of Snitsky's unavoidable demise in the near future, then look no further than the last person to lose to Kane, Matt Hardy, who immediately afterward broke 7 vertebrae in his neck and hasn't been seen since. Hell, Lita only married the guy and now she's dead so you know he's got to be dangerous.
Speaking of death, Triple H was able to overcome all the seemingly insurmountable obstacles in order to make his dream come true. Yes, long ago a young Hunter Helmsley used to fantasize about winning a World Title ten times. He knew that with a lot of hard work and an undying determination, some day he'd marry the daughter of a major wrestling promoter which would in turn give him the power within the company to make his dream come true. Indeed, we should not forget Sunday night for it was a moment that Mr. Levesque-McMahon will cherish forever.
The next night on Raw, Hunter informed us all that he was not a ten-time World Champion because of favoritism or politics, but since he's playing a heel and all heels lie all the time, he can be forgiven for such a misguided attempt to mislead us. Come on man, we all know the truth so stop trying to cover it up. Modesty will get you nowhere in this business, so please for our sake as well as your own take the full credit for all your efforts to make this happen. This business can't survive unless that belt is around your perfectly sculpted waist, so why act ashamed of the fact that you used your enviable position to put it back where it belongs? I tell ya, such generous, noble entities are difficult to understand sometimes.
Following HunterFest 2005, Maven Maivia somehow bartered for another shot at Shelton Benjamin's Intercontinental Championship, and lost in under two minutes. Hell, it was at least an improvement this time. Once Muhammad Hassan got the memo that Raw Is Repeat, he went out and defeated another legend, this one hailing from North Carolina, who needs no introduction. That's not really fair because greatness like the Hurricane deserves to be introduced everywhere he goes. He definitely must've been feeling under the weather as he somehow lost to Hassan, thereby moving the young Arab-American another step toward immortality. Next up, Edge defeated Rhyno and his neverending push down the card via submission. In fact, Rhyno tapped quickly but that down-push was a tough nut to crack and was able to hold out for nearly twenty minutes before passing out in a pool of its own blood. This left Edge on such a high that he dared to challenge the Heartbreak Jesus himself, and got more of his Holiness than he bargained for. One must conclude that either Adam Copeland is retarded or he feels he's won too many matches lately as he stands no chance whatsoever of defeating Shawn Michaels at Rasslemania XXI.
Just when I didn't think I could take any more, Simon Dean came out to get squashed by Kane, who came out to get squashed by Gene Snitsky. Snitsky's immense appeal has taken a hit lately, and it probably stems from that whole "He-Man Woman-Hater" gimmick that he bought from Jeff Jarrett a few years back for $10 and NWA:TNA. To this day Snitsky wishes he could have his ten bucks back. Speaking of ten big ones, Maven Maivia paid exactly that for another rematch against Shelton Benjamin for his Intercontinental Title. This time, he was actually able to hit some of his trademark maneuvers such as the arm bar, dropkick, body slam, but when he went high-risk with the flying crossbody Shelton rolled through and scored the pin. Maven then offered both referee Nick Patrick and Lillian Garcia oral sex if they would immediately announce a rematch and officiate the action, respectively. The match was under way, but while Maven was distracted by Nick Patrick undoing his belt, Shelton slipped behind him for a roll-up and scored another pin to retain his belt.
The crowd had had enough of this, so next up they were treated to Chris Jericho and Ben Wah taking on Christian Copeland and Tough Timmy Tomko, also known as the Nation of Alliteration. Again, since this was Raw Is Repeat Christian jobbed in standard fashion. Of course, this only warmed the crowd up for the match of the night, as challenger Maria took on World Heavyweight Pillow-Fighting Champion Christy Hemme. The action was fast and furious, including several "Holy Shit" highspots, but the finish saw Hemme successfully pin a battered and bloodied Maria to retain her title. It was truly a contest that the Fort Lauderdale locals will be talking about for years to come.
It was finally time for the night's main event, but after that previous match the crowd was completely spent. Randy Orton and Dave Batista battled in front of an exiting audience before they were both defeated by Jon Stewart and the Daily Show. Due to the predetermined stipulations of the match, such a run-in resulted in Orton getting the title shot at the Royal Rumble. Had the interrupting party been a feature film then Batista would've gotten the honor, but since it was a television program Orton was the recipient.
After the arena was empty, Maven Maivia came out to challenge Shelton Benjamin for his Intercontinental Title. At the outset of the match, Maven was reversed on an Irish whip, however a crew member had already removed the top rope so Maven fell out of the ring and broke his left pinky fingernail. The referee gave the "X" sign to inform those in the back that a legitimate injury had occurred and Maven was officially counted out. It was truly a disappointing ending to a match-up that held so much promise going in.
Getting back to Helmsley, it seems that with this tenth World Title victory, everyone has decided that now is a good time to discuss whether it's a good idea for him to be wearing the belt. It's long been my opinion that he doesn't deserve his current place in the company, and what makes it sad is that he's held it all this time. In the beginning I was hoping that Vince would come to his senses, but then the mighty Levesque slinked his way into Daddy's Little Girl's bed and has had a free pass to be "the Man" ever since. It's been well-established that Vince has the final say, but he seems to be tongue-tied when someone suggests "Maybe we should put the belt back on Triple H." Granted, during the company's hottest period Triple H was, along with Vince, the primary villain. However I'm pretty sure that the good times were good not because of Vince or Hunter but rather because they were fighting against Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Rock, who along with Hulk Hogan form the Holy Trinity of Faces in wrestling's history. Add Mick Foley and suddenly one has to admit that maybe Helmsley wasn't responsible for the company's success.
For me there is no "maybe," he absolutely had nothing to do with it. With a murderer's row of good guys for the fans to cheer on, Gillberg could've gotten over as a major heel. Triple H was simply in the right place at the right time, and he did indeed put himself there through politics and favoritism, no matter how much he insists otherwise. Right now the WWE is dying a very slow death. So slow that not many of the decision-makers seem to have noticed. There is no one that is over enough to carry the company into the future. No one on the roster is going to be the next Hogan, Austin, or Rock because none of them is ever booked strongly enough for the fans to buy them in such a capacity. They claim to be grooming Randy Orton for such a role, and yet he has already jobbed to Triple H, thus destroying any idea that he . . . he . . . I give up. I've been bitching about this for too long and I'm tired of saying the same stuff over and over. I've said it before, Triple H will only lose the belt when he feels like incrementing his title count a little closer to Ric Flair's sixteen. When he does lose it, you know for a fact that he'll continue to feud with that new World Champion until he eventually wins it back. He's been doing it for years, so why will he be changing any time soon?
Seriously, Triple H will be competing for the World title at his fourth consecutive Wrestlemania in March. For those who are wondering, Austin matched that with four of his own while the Rock topped out at three. Of course, barring a career-ending injury I don't think there's much doubt that Trips will be wrestling for the belt at Wrestlemania XXII. Stagnation is never good for any business, and it's even worse for one that requires creativity and innovation like pro wrestling.
Okay, I feel I've said my piece on this matter and as part of my New Year's resolutions, I'm going to try to supply a positive outlook on at least one aspect of the WWE each week. This week I'd like to say that the best TV match that I've seen in quite a while took place on Smackdown! last week, as Rey Mysterio defeated Eddie Guerrero in the curtain jerker. Eddie's cheating, stealing, and lying was turned against him as Rey planted the evidence on Eddie just prior to the referee's recovery. After a reversal sequence Rey was able to score the roll-up pin. A combination of good old-fashioned lucha libre action and high quality (by pro wrestling's standards) comedy equals a great match in my book. Of course, the comedy reached a new low (and therefore, a new high) during the Kenzo Suzuki vs. John Cena rap battle. Suzuki's hokey rhymes were funny enough, but when Hiroko broke out some Beyonce for our viewing and listening pleasure, it was almost the end of me. She was seriously competing with Gene Snitsky's first few weeks in terms of unintentional comedy.
The World Champions may piss me off these days, but it's not like they're the only things on these shows. As long as there at least a few gems each week, I have no reason to miss WCW.