The Issue #20
By: Bryon Frazier
December 23, 2004
I haven’t watched a WWE/WWF pay-per-view since InVasion. No, that’s not true. Recently I found myself viewing "Smackdown! Presents Armageddon". I was quite excited over the chance to see real matches for a change instead of those jokes that they give the viewing public on free TV. I didn’t even have to wait, as the curtain-jerker was a fantastic tag match featuring "the Bronze Warrior" Kenzo Suzuki and "the French Phenom" Rene Dupree versus Rey Mysterio and Rob Van Dam. This match replenished my faith in both Rey and Rob, while convincing me to reconsider Rene and grow even fonder of Kenzo. Yes, I’m something of a Suzuki fan, or at least as much as one can be while also considering oneself a wrestling fan. I saw actual double-team moves being performed in rapid fire succession, to the point that I thought I passed through a vortex and landed in 1989. It was honestly one of the best matches I’d seen all year.
Then the next match took place. It was Kurt Angle taking on Santa Claus. I hoped that Santa was really someone cool in disguise, but that wasn’t the case. Oh well, one bad match doesn’t spoil a show, so I looked forward to the next contest. I found out it was a boxing match between Daniel Puder and Mike Mizanin. It goes without saying that this wasn’t any better than the previous contest. We were due for a pick-me-up at this point, so the WWE comes through in the clutch and delivers . . . Bob Holly, Charlie Haas, and the Bashams. This is a joke, right? These guys are going to act like they’re going to wrestle, and then the Big Show will enter and choke-slam them all, right? Wrong, they actually wrestled a match, and it was everything I hoped it wouldn’t be.
The good news was that John Cena versus Jesus was next. I quickly learned that they misspelled one of the names on the card, which had led me to believe that Jesus was taking on Joan Chen. That would’ve been quite the romp, but instead I was stuck with Cena and "Hey-Zeus." The only way this debacle could’ve been saved was if Cena’s opponent had been played by Tiny Lister instead of Aaron Aguilera. Okay, so this isn’t exactly an all-star card, but perhaps there can be a few gems still to come. I was then assaulted with the likes of Jackie vs. Dawn Marie in an actual wrestling match, which violates the restraining order that The People have against Jackie Gayda, preventing her from coming within 300 yards of a wrestling match stemming from the Nightmare On August 7th.
Come on, there has to be at least one good match during these two and half hours. Big Show vs. Angle, Jindrak, and Reigns? Hell no. Spike Dudley vs. Funaki? Are you fucking kidding me? Oh wait, I shouldn’t answer a question with a question. Then try this response: Fuck you, WWE. Well, it’s time for the main event, and a great main event can at least partially salvage a horrific show like this one. God damn it, I just remembered that JBL is the champ, which means that by definition this match is going to be terrible. On the plus side, it has Smackdown’s best wrestler in Eddie Guerrero as well as Booker T, who while broken down is still capable of an occasionally good match. Shit, the fourth participant is the Dead Man, so called because it pretty accurately describes his career.
All I have to say is that at one point Guerrero hit two consecutive Frog Splashes on Under Taker, and when I say consecutive I mean that he hit one, immediately hopped to his feet, ran to the other corner, and hit another one. By my assessment, Taker kicked out slightly before a two-count. Somewhere backstage, John Cena was shedding a sympathy tear since he too knows the wrath of that big, ugly motherfucker.
So that was that. It was my first wrestling pay-per-view in three years and it brought a new meaning to the word "traveshamockery." I stopped watching these things because there hadn’t been a show that I felt was worth $35 since the WWF bought WCW, and this show in no way changed my position. Oh well, maybe I picked the wrong one to restart with, so I imagine I should give Royal Rumble a chance before I dismiss these things all together.
Speaking of paying for things that can be gotten for free on the internet, rumor through the grapevine is that the WWE and Playboy are putting together a "Women of WWE" issue that will be due out some time near Summerslam. On board are Torrie, Dawn Marie, Gaydacity, Victoria, Christy, Joy, Amy, Michelle, and Lillian. With the exception of the Gaydacious one, I limited each woman to her first name and I’m willing to bet that the average WWE fan can’t identify more than five of them. I myself had no clue who Michelle was, and even when adding that her last name is McCool it doesn’t help me at all. I researched the matter and I think she’s some sort of assistant for Teddy Long, although if I actually cared then I’d find out for certain. Lita, Molly, Ivory, and Maria are all still in negotiations to be in the spread. If Molly gets on the list, then you can count me in as a reader of that issue. If Lita agrees then as long as they hide her penis like they did with Chyna then I guess I’ll take a look. If Ivory still looks as good as she did the last time I saw her then she’d also be a welcome addition. As for Maria, well if it turned out that the WWE hired her for specifically this purpose it wouldn’t surprise me.
Sadly Trish, Stacy, and Stephanie have all said "No thanks, perverts" and thus are confirmed to be keeping their clothes on. Of course, if you look hard enough on the ‘net then you can find all the Trish and Stacy that you could ever ask for. The only disappointment in this whole story is that there’s no mention of the Fabulous Moolah or Mae Young. Come on people, you teased me with that prosthesis, now I need to see the real things!
Well, all that’s left to discuss is this year as a whole. Earlier this week we had Raw Is Recap, and it inspired me to look back on 2004 and give my final opinions. The top wrestler of the year would have to be Eddie Guerrero, who was such a hard worker that he not only won the WWE Title, but also successfully closed 18 games under the name Eddie Guardado. Really, how can you not love such a versatile individual? Obviously Eddie is also my choice for best baby face, since he put a whole new spin on being the good guy by cheating, stealing, and lying (screw you, trademark!) his way into our hearts, despite those being classic heel tactics. Speaking of which, my favorite heel this year was the same as it’s been for the past three years: Christian. Each year he fails to disappoint me, while Vince and company succeed with gusto in doing so by refusing to give the guy a real push.
For fun, I will now give the remainder of my year-end awards "Carnac the Magnificent" style. Here we go: Randy Orton, Gene Snitsky, and Trish Stratus.
Name 3 people who wildly exceeded expectations this year. Orton gets this honor for his hardcore bloodbath against Mick Foley. Going in, everyone expected Foley to bump like a lunatic in order to make young Randy look good, but in fact it was Orton who was bloodied, battered, and beaten all over the arena. Gene Snitsky probably gave the most under whelming initial impression possible when he debuted in what seemed like a squash match against Kane. Of course he proceeded to kill Kane’s baby and subsequently started a national craze. Before you knew it, everyone from politicians to internet hack writers were killing babies and claiming "It wasn’t my fault!" Trish Stratus had been a solid baby face in the women’s division for a few years, but suddenly it came time for her to try her hand at being a villain. After a brief adjustment period, she became a legitimate heel rather than just "a heel in the women’s division." Let’s just say that without Trish’s ascension to new heights, there’s no way her match with Lita would’ve been even a Sunday Night Heat main event, let alone a Raw one.
The Widow’s Peak, Shelton Benjamin, and Triple H.
What is my favorite finisher, my favorite winner, and my favorite punching bag? Ever since I first saw Victoria use the Widow’s Peak, it’s been my favorite move in the business. Some people are partial to Petey Williams’ Canadian Destroyer, but I think it’s the fakest-looking maneuver this side of Trish’s Stratusfaction. The Widow’s Peak actually looks possible as well as painful, and thus gets my vote. Shelton’s wins over Triple H were such pleasant surprises that they deserved mention. In terms of seeing party defeat another, I was more satisfied by Benjamin going over Trips than any other match-up that took place this year. Speaking of Mr. Helmsley-McMahon, I feel compelled to give him a nod for being the easiest person to crack jokes about. I even wrote a fictitious book review filled with some clever and not-so-clever jabs at the man, so for supplying me with so much writing material, this award goes to you, Hunter.
Triple H, a tranquilizer gun, and JBL.
Name three things I never want to see again on WWE television. Yes, Trips gives me good writing material, but I would pop the cork on an expensive bottle of champagne if he retired today and went away for all eternity. The fact is that I’m done with him. He has given me the best that he has to offer, as well as more than enough of the worst that he can muster. All things considered though, I’m willing to settle for a decrease in importance in the Raw storylines. If he just agreed to wrestle in the mid-card for a few years then maybe I’d be willing to stomach another World Title run, but until that happens I can never say for certain. Come on Trips, let’s give it a try and see how the people feel about it. Trust me, people would love you more if you did. Is it a deal? Oh well, I tried. Anyway, the good news is that I will hopefully never see that damn tranquilizer gun again. A lot of people bitched when Scott Hall zapped Goldberg with a stun gun so that Kevin Nash could beat the then-undefeated champion, but Kurt Angle shooting Big Show with a tranq gun is ten times worse in my book. First of all, it wasn’t like Angle had never beaten the Show before (and if he hadn’t, do I look like a wrestling historian to you?). Secondly, it was beyond cartoonish, to the point that he might as well have dropped an anvil on his head or painted a fake tunnel on a brick wall and lured him into it. Then again, since Show choke-slammed Angle off a balcony and "broke" his leg, I suppose something ridiculously over-the-top was in order after all.
John Bradshaw Layfield gets his own paragraph because unlike Triple H I absolutely want JBL gone forever and I’m not willing to bend on that stance, and unlike the tranquilizer gun I have absolutely no reason to believe that he’ll be going anywhere any time soon. For that matter, I have no reason to believe the WWE Title belt will be going anywhere any time soon either, and that’s what really pisses me off. I submit, Vince. I’m tapping out right now; you win. JBL was an awesomely amazing choice to be the champion. You are a genius and I’m an idiot wrestling fan who doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. You are the top dog of professional wrestling in North America. No, you are professional wrestling. Now please, please, please take the belt off of Bradshaw and give it to someone else, anyone else. I’m begging you here, Vince. I have tears in my eyes. Do what’s best for the WWE, please.
If this keeps up, I might find myself watching TNA and their goofy six-sided ring. Oh god how I hate that six-sided ring.
If those aren’t reasons for why I miss WCW, I don’t know what are.