The Issue #19
By: Bryon Frazier
December 13, 2004
This week’s Raw was one of the more unique episodes that I can recall. First of all, they hyped one particular match throughout the entire show. No, that’s not a new approach, but it is when that match is between two women. That was a big enough deal for me, the world’s biggest supporter of women’s wrestling. However, even I wasn’t ready for the shock when I realized that they were saving this match for last. I think I was as nervous for Trish Stratus and Lita as they were. I’m always hoping for these encounters to be at least tolerable for the rest of the WWE fan base, but when it comes to the main event they have to be expected to go above and beyond that level and actually be entertaining. I was quite certain that this was too tall an order for them to fulfill, and my doubts were reassured when they proceeded to tumble out of the ring on the first tie-up.
It didn’t look right to begin with, and it was obvious that it was unintentional when they immediately jumped back into the ring to begin the match properly. Then, after a few token spots, including Lita becoming the first person to ever reverse the Matrix move by Trish, we suddenly found ourselves with Trish on the outside with Lita in the ring and I could clearly see what was to happen next. I’m pretty sure at this point, I covered my eyes like a little kid watching a horror movie, with my fingers parted just enough so I could still see what was about to go down . . . And go down it did.
Watching sports, fake and legitimate, you occasionally see incidents that make you cringe. On even rarer occasions, you witness something that is so horrific that you feel sympathy pain for the victim. That was me when I saw Lita land squarely on her square jaw. Her momentum caused her legs to curl over her head so that from a side view she was in the shape of a "C". My first reaction was that she might be dead. When she started to move, my next impulse was that the referee was going to give the X sign and we’d be ending prematurely. Once she was in the ring, I was certain that they’d be going for the quick cover to end the match so that she could receive medical treatment.
Of course, none of this happened. Instead, the impact of the aptly-named suicide dive seemed to knock something straight in Lita’s brain because from that point on, she and Trish proceeded to wrestle possibly each of their best matches ever. The gold seal of approval of the ensuing action came when the crowd popped hugely for the pin fall. Women’s wrestling in the WWE had finally arrived. Nevertheless, this is all pretty much a moot point since the WWE laid off a nice chunk of their fledgling women’s division, to be replaced with approximately twenty-five bimbos who have no real purpose beyond playing limbo and standing around discussing Randy Orton.
Not even Smackdown was able to avoid the wrath, as they have added a few of their own useless lumps of eye candy. Granted, eye candy is always at least somewhat appreciated, but at some point these chicks are going to have to do something more than just look good. Really, what the hell is Amy Weber going to be doing six months from now? She’ll either be out of the company, or still standing around discussing Randy Orton, or in her case maybe it’ll be John Cena. That’s what makes it so weird though. They were already having trouble finding things for Torrie Wilson and Stacy Keibler to do on a weekly basis, and yet they decided to hire about half a dozen more women of the same caliber. I’d like to say that I trust Vince’s greater wisdom and that he has a master plan hidden in there somewhere, but I’ve seen his track record so I know better.
Considering his past, my only conclusion is that Vinny Mac intends to open his own pornography production company. It wouldn’t even take much effort to come up with titles: Raw, Smackdown, Sunday Night Heat, Taboo Tuesday; need I say more?
Moving on, it was fun to see the seeds planted for that feud we’ve all been waiting for: Triple H versus Lillian Garcia. Seriously, how else can you explain Super Macho Dude deciding to chase after the ring announcer when she stated the fact that he’s the former champion? Such an act would otherwise suggest that him being without the belt is a monumental situation, and the Hunter I know would never want us to believe that.
Elsewhere on Raw, I had the displeasure of dealing with Chris Jericho as he attempted to be hip and cool, despite the fact that he ceased to be either about five years ago. Sure, a lot of people are still fooling themselves into believing that he’s the same guy they fell in love with, but that’s probably because they’re still pissed that he never received a proper push in those days. I was even treated to one of the worst live performances that Raw had seen since Under Taker had left for Smackdown, as Jericho joined his band Foxxy for a career-ending rendition of "Don’t Wish You Were Me." He also held the bar so the girls could limbo under it (and Christy cheated, but who really cares?).
On the plus side, he at least gave Christian a pretty decent costume to wear while he fights crime under his alias of Captain Charisma, which should spell sunny days for the people of Gotham. However, there simply isn’t enough room for two superheroes so he seems destined for a feud with the Hurricane, but he’s been worthless for years so I’m hoping that this never happens. It’s too bad that his mild-mannered alter ego Christian hasn’t received the respect he deserves. I keep holding out hope that some day he’ll get that elusive push, but deep down we all know that it’ll never happen, especially now that the main event scene is cluttered with the likes of Lita and Trish Stratus.
Has anyone yet discovered why Maven was the only temporary GM to do the intelligent thing and book himself in a World Title match? Don’t try to mention Ben Wah also booking such a match, because he allowed Trips to easily weasel out with the most obvious master plan since Vince turned out to be the Higher Power. "It was me Ben Wah! It was me ALL ALONG!"
Enough about Raw, there’s another prime time wrestling show that graces my television screen every week, and it’s not TNA Impact, because that isn’t shown during prime time nor does it ever grace my television screen. It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just that I keep forgetting that it’s on. I mean really, who watches wrestling at three in the afternoon? Obviously, I’m talking about Smackdown, and its name is just about the only thing I can remember about the show any more. I watched the whole episode this past Thursday and I honestly couldn’t remember a thing about it.
Upon researching this matter, I discovered that the Bashams now join Orlando Jordan and Amy Weber as a part of JBL’s Cabinet. I also found out that Mark Jindrak has aligned himself with Kurt Angle and Luther Reigns. Some of these developments may have happened weeks ago, and I might’ve seen them when they first occurred, but it’s still news to me now. So either I’m developing Alzheimer’s at the ripe old age of 23, or this show has become so forgettable that I can’t even keep track of the storylines week-to-week.
In fact, the only moment of this week’s show that I could remember without reading about it again was Hiroko and Torrie Wilson partaking in a bra and panties match that never officially happened. For those who didn’t watch (all 5.999 billion of you), these two were booked in a match, but they decided to get it on backstage (no not like that, although I wish it had been) which ultimately resulted in an impromptu hotshotting of the Tag Title match between the world famous teams of "Rob Van Dam and Rey Mysterio" and "Rene Dupree and Kenzo Suzuki." Obviously, these groups are so great that they don’t even need those goofy team names that were all the rage many years ago. This is where my memory stops, and it turned out that they went ahead with the title change in that match despite the pay-per-view being only three days away. Business sense always has been a McMahon staple.
Anyway, JBL apparently compared himself to the likes of Bruno Sammartino, Andre the Giant, Bret Hart, Steve Austin and the Rock. Okay, I’ll grant him Sammartino because he was from before my time and by definition that means he sucked, however it is almost laughable that he would even have the nerve to mention those other guys. I say "almost" because when you consider that he might actually believe it, then it goes from funny to just plain sad. This man has been the World Champion for about six months now, which means that either the rest of the Smackdown roster is made up of the Bashams, Orlando Jordan, Amy Weber, Bruno Sammartino, Mark Jindrak, and Luther Reigns, or Vince is just being stubborn again.
You see kids, this is how Triple H got over as a legitimate main-eventer. Vince McMahon pushed and pushed until the viewing audience had no choice but to respond. Keep in mind that the general public loves (or loves to hate) winners, so if the WWE brain trust continually puts one particular guy over other wrestlers, then eventually the fan base will start to buy into the guy. We can’t allow this to happen with JBL, and yet I’m already seeing it taking place. I see JBL supporters even among the most unlikely of demographics: the net marks. These lunatics usually only support the guys that the rest of the net mark community supports, and I’m pretty sure that Bradshaw doesn’t fall into that category. This man is a disaster of epic proportions, which is why he’s getting stuffed down our throats just so that Vince can believe that he knew what he was doing. In fact, if necessary Vince will leave the belt on Layfield for as long as it takes, even if that includes the entire 2005 calendar year. What, you don’t think Vince would ever do such a thing? Then you, my gentle reader, do not know this man as well as I like to think I do.
Let’s be real here. Smackdown has plenty of capable champions hanging around. For starters, we have former titleholders Kurt Angle, Eddie Guardado, and Under Taker. Taker is still popular with the older fans, those who can identify with a 40+ year old man who likes to think he’s a dead biker who’s still considered cool. Guardado brings in the baseball fans and the Latino demographic. Angle appeals to the work rate nuts and the demographic that doesn’t care about steroid use, which happens to also be the baseball fans. Of course, one might say that I’m forgetting fellow former World Champion the Big Show, but that one is the only Big Show fan and the sooner he realizes it, the better. I myself haven’t considered myself a fan of his work since he left for OVW to lose weight, and succeeded in dropping -50 pounds.
Besides those guys, there are others who are just as deserving as Bradshaw was when he won the title, and even more so now. I’m referring to the likes of John Cena, Booker T, and even the internet darling Rob Van Dam. Sure, Van Dam is still living off of past accomplishments in the ring, and he couldn’t cut a decent promo even if the Rock wrote and performed his material for him, but with those faults he’s still more deserving than Bradshaw. As for Booker T, while I agree that his bad back has left him a shadow of a shell of his former self, he’s still a ten times better wrestler than the current champion. Cena doesn’t even have a bad back, but he’s horrible in the ring nonetheless. Regardless, that still leaves him about five times better than Layfield. On top of that, Cena can actually give a decent interview without offending millions of people, and he’s a white rapper so you know that’s saying something.
My point is that there is no reason for John Bradshaw Layfield to have received a World Title reign even this long, and that’s without considering when the hell they actually intend for him to drop the belt. I guess we really have FFaarrooqq to blame for this. If he hadn’t retired, then he and Bradshaw would still be a tag team, which in itself pigeonholes them for all eternity. Damn you Ron Simmons. Damn you straight to Hell, good sir.