The Issue #15
By: Bryon Frazier
September 27, 2004
Twenty minutes to go until Raw goes live, and as usual I'm waiting to see how they'll screw up this week. As usual, I'm waiting to see how they plan to explain away their screw-ups from last week's Raw. As usual, I'm waiting to see how they plan to explain away their screw-ups from last night's pay-per-view. As usual, I'm waiting to see how they plan to set the table for next week's screw-ups.
Obviously, my expectations are pretty low when it comes to the WWE's flagship show. My expectations aren't too good for their Number Two show either, and don't even get me started on Velocity or Heat. WWE Experience? Tell the WWE to kiss my ass if they think I'm going to watch that waste of time. I don't care if they pissed away Confidential's allure once they faced the fact that they weren't willing to give the audience any actual confidential information, it was still better (or at least in a better time slot) than that junk that they put on TV every Sunday morning. Keep in mind that I'm disparaging WWE Experience despite the fact that I've never actually watched it, but quite frankly I can't stand clip and fluff shows, which is exactly what that is. Confidential was just a fluff show, no clipping from recent episodes of Raw and Smackdown, and they even threw in the occasional match from the vault. What was not to like? Oh wait, I know the answer. It didn't have good ratings! We all know that WCW started this trend, but then the WWF/WWE embraced it. I'm referring to the fact that North American wrestling companies have sold their souls to the TV ratings. They'll do whatever it takes to pop that number as high as possible each and every week, and there-in lies the problem.
In their quest to create a buzz for each show, the WWE is constantly throwing everything in their arsenal at us. They match up any two wrestlers that they feel we either haven't seen face each other (in a while) or had a pretty good match last time. The obvious problem is that eventually we've seen every match a hundred times, with each guy winning fifty different ways over the other. Twenty-five clean wins for wrestler A, twenty-five screwy wins for wrestler A, twenty-five clean wins for wrestler B, and twenty-five screwy wins for wrestler B. I know that last sentence was tedious and repetitive, much like my first paragraph, but I'm trying to go for some symbolism so that this column in some ways resembles today's WWE programs. Any more I'm just waiting for the finish, and not because I care about who wins but because I want the damn thing to be over. I don't even care about the foreplay that leads up to the climax. I've given up all concern for what happens in order to lead up to the ending. I mean, the wrestlers don't seem to care either. I see guys wrestle for 90 seconds before one of them is selling death off of a snap mare just to set up some douche bag's flying thumbnail drop finishing move. Then those same guys wrestle at a later date and suddenly we're getting the commercial break in the third minute only to return and watch a chinlock or surfboard (take your pick). Five minutes later and it's commercial break time again, this time we return and the chinlockee is now the chinlocker and it's time for that finish! What's this? The guy who fell victim to that vicious snapmare a month ago is now no-selling the flying thumbnail drop? Then he hits his OWN finisher for the pin fall out of nowhere!?! MY GAWD!!! MY GAWD!!! WHO COULD'VE EVER SEEN THIS COMING!?!
I could've, of course. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the same old, same old. Same shit, different week. There is almost never a match worth watching any more. That's why I latch on to the unique events. I loved Kane and Lita's wedding. I hated the midgets of course because we get midgets on Raw every month so they're not unique, but everything from Kane's entrance music done by orchestra, to the vows, to the wall of fire, was amazing. I loved watching the Divas call each other cum-guzzlers and make suggestions that some of them take it up the ass. As a great man once said, that was lovely.
I turn around to look at the television and I see it all over again. Same shit, different year. Triple H finally decides that he's gone long enough without the World Title belt and has relieved young Master Orton of its immense burden. We all know that there's only one man on Raw that can truly hold it. No one else has it in them, and besides if anyone else has the belt then Raw goes to shit, the ratings tank, and it's hot-shot time again. Quick, someone have the tag team champs turn on each other! They'll never expect it! We need the ratings, damn it!
It's okay though, because like I said, Triple H has the belt again so everything is right in the world. There is once again peace in the Middle East and a turkey on every poor person's dinner table. We can finally relax. Oh look, our hero has a cake in the ring. It's too big to be real so there MUST be someone inside it! It must be a stripper! I mean, Triple H is the most virile man in the world, and everyone knows those half-dozen women in the ring aren't nearly enough to satisfy is undying manliness. MY GAWD!!! MY GAWD!!! THAT'S THE UGLIEST STRIPPER I'VE EVER SEEN!!! Wait a minute, that's Randy Orton! They got me! Bless Orton's little heart, he actually thinks he can beat the Game™. Won't someone please tell him that resistance is futile. I'd hate to see his hopes crushed in Tivo slow-motion. Besides, he need only look toward Chris Jericho, Rob Van Dam, Booker T, and Eugene to see what happens when you cross the Boss . . . 's son-in-law.
You know what, Triple H bashing is also same old, same old. I'm retiring my Triple H bashing material. From now on, if I have something derogatory to say about Mr. Levesque-McMahon I'll come up with something new and unique.
Going back to the cum-guzzlers, it appears that the Diva situation is actually warming up behind the scenes. Last week the dearly departed Amy was injured in the arm-wrestling competition, followed by the upset of the night when Carmella actually won her arm-wrestling match. Up until this point I had been given the impression that Carmella is a prissy little bitch who doesn't want to be in the company, which is why I'm pulling for her to win. Next, we find out that a warrant has been issued for Carmella's arrest for beating the shit out of some woman who may or may not be trying to pick up Carmella's main squeeze, Jeff Garcia. This was stunning to me because I coulda swore that Jeff's door didn't swing that way, so that relationship stinks of "Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman." Moving on, during last week's Raw they advertised a boxing match between the two Diva finalists this week, and I'm hoping for a legitimate knock-out. In fact, if this match were to somehow actually take place, which I'm currently skeptical it will, then I'd be willing to call in and vote for whomever can knock the other woman out.
As for last night's pay-per-view, Breakdown, I must say that I was quite satisfied. I went to Vegas and put down $200 to win $10 that Triple H and Shawn Michaels would win their matches. What can I say, the odds didn't really pay too well, but it was a safe bet. As Chris F-B himself told me, HBK never loses and Kane never wins, so anyone who didn't take advantage of this can't-miss opportunity to make a buck (literally) was a moron. I'm still waiting for that Lita turn, but I'm not expecting at least until Matt Hardy returns. By then it will make absolutely no sense since in the meantime Kane will continue to verbally and (during sweeps week) physically abuse Lita. At least we'll have fun, wholesome, family-friendly entertainment to keep us busy until it's time for Lita's fist to go into Matt's scrotum.
I see that the mighty Ben Wah, in an encore of last night's performance, is once again jerking the curtain. Well, I'd prefer he jerk that than anything else. There are certain things that I simply don't consider to be entertainment, although there are quite a few wrestling fanatics out there that would.
I see that they bought new clippers before they shaved Molly's head. Her hair actually grew back. The last time they shaved someone's head, Kurt Angle has been bald ever since. Now we get Nidia, who suddenly speaks fluent Spanish and is from Puerto Rico, despite the fact that we heard her speak nothing but English on Tough Enough. Of course, everyone knows this'll boost the WWE's popularity with the Hispanic demographic! More ratings baby! All they need now is to get Gail Kim to speak Korean, Stacy Keibler to speak Ebonics, and Trish Stratus to speak Klingon, and they'll have all their bases covered.
I could probably complain forever, but right now the WWE needs my viewership or else they'll start killing kittens and puppies. Whatever it takes, people. Whatever it takes.