The Issue #14
By: Bryon Frazier
May 7, 2004
My thoughts while Chavo is jobbing to a 4 foot woman:
Damn it, if it were Jackie Gayda winning the Cruiserweight title then I'd be all for it. I mean, how can you not like the single most entertaining wrestler of the new millenium? Anyone who saw that tag match way back on Raw, August 7, 2002 knows that nothing beats the power of Gaydacity. Every title defense would be a true event. You'd have people watching with popcorn in hand, just glued to the edges of their seats waiting for that one spot that vaults that particular match into the stratosphere. Alas, they had to go with the wrong friggin' Jackie.
Fast forward to here and now
I'd have to say that I'm really not that bothered by Chavo's loss last night. I mean, it was only the Cruiserweight belt. Last night I was comparing it to the David Arquette era down south, but then I realized that the stakes are simply not on equal footing here. Granted, Jacqueline is an even worse champion than Dewey ever was, but the little people's championship will persevere because no one gives a shit about it. If Mr. Cox (or better yet, Mrs. Cox) were to win the WWE Championship, then that'd be worth such a comparison.
Such depressing thoughts bring me to the saddest part of Smackdown last night: Mama Guerrero! The good news is that she is alive and well and receiving counseling from fellow fictional heart disease sufferer, Ric Flair. A select few in the inner cicles of the perverse world of wrestling obsession are hoping that the two will hit it off and make babies for years to come. It would bring together two world famous wrestling families, ones that gave this planet the likes of David Flair and the Gobbledy Gooker. So go on with your bad self Ric, show her that your submission hold isn't the only thing that's shaped like a four.
Seriously though, I thought I already pointed out the problem with these "real" injuries. If they successfully fool the audience then when it's discovered that it's fake (a must, since every fake injury only ever leads to a sneak attack with a crutch/cast/chest protector) then everyone will be bitching and it'll be the "boy who cried wolf" effect. Of course, that's IF the audience buys it which is very unlikely and if they don't then it's still "boy who cried wolf." Every time they fake a real injury it makes people believe them that much less. Last night Michael Cole managed to drift further into the negative in terms of credibility when he tried to do his best serious voice for us. Meanwhile he has a 300 pound orange midget in a suit and teal sunglasses sitting next to him. While I'm already pissed off about the segment, why didn't they dig up Grandma Guerrero? I'm guessing she's dead, but it still would've made for more riveting television. After all, they had to compete with Friends, so they might as well have pulled out all the stops and treat it like it's sweeps week. Sadly, Jacqueline winning the Cruiserweight title doesn't quite do the trick. Maybe if Undertaker had wrestled then that would've helped . . .
. . . wait a minute, you mean he actually did wrestle? When? I thought that guy who was moving surprisingly quick in the ring was someone else because the Undertaker that I remember had glacial speed. Joking aside, I was indeed impressed with Taker's effort last night in his handicap squash. It's still way too funny to watch him break out new submission holds like he's Dean Malenko or something. I suppose I could extend him the courtesy of calling him MalenkoTaker from now on. Anyway, it looks like MT is going to score another squash at Judgment Day when he takes on the Book. Speaking of whom, the Book continued his steady decline to the level of the rest of the Smackdown roster by going to a voodoo shop in order to counteract Malenko's powers. I was seriously hoping for Papa Shango to be the shopkeeper (pull out all the stops, remember?), but was sadly disappointed to find that it was a generic Miss Cleo ripoff instead. Oh well, better luck next time I guess.
Meanwhile, we have the continued advancement of John "The Republican" Layfield -- the greatest conservative wrestler since Dave Taylor. This guy is really starting to take it to the next level. With his treatment of Mexicans lately, I think he'd make a great tag partner for Hunter's "Triple K" gimmick (which we haven't really seen since his feud with Booker T leading up to Wrestlemania 19). At the very least, Layfield should hire Karl Rove as his manager/advisor, just to score some extra evil points. If he'd do that then he wouldn't even have needed G.W. Bush's endorsement that he got about a month ago. Obviously I see a lot of potential in this gimmick, even if most wrestling enthusiasts hate the guy who's playing the role (myself included), but the truth is that there isn't anyone else on the roster that could pull it off, and for that reason alone I'm willing to cut the man some slack. Now he just needs to come through and stop being the border patrol. Instead he should keep his eye on the ball and continue his bitching about Guerrero, then go to the PPV and squash Spike Dudley. He can follow that up by landing a fighter plane on an air craft carrier and delivering a victory speech in front of a banner that reads "Mission Accomplished."
I think I can sum all of this up by saying that there isn't a lot to like about Smackdown these days, which is why in order to enhance my enjoyment I do my best to make fun of everything I don't like. Conversely, one might notice no mention of Torrie vs. Dawn Marie or Rico and Haas as the Tag Champs, and that's because I have been thoroughly entertained by both of those endeavors. Then there's John Cena, who despite being twice as good as a heel is still worth watching when he's on television, and Rene Dupree whose steroid use is made obvious when you remind yourself that he's 20 years old. Sorry Rene, but I don't think anyone's that fucking dumb to the point that they'd believe you're all natural. Then again, none of this prevents me from liking the guy. Wrestling isn't a legitimate sport so I'm not bothered by any use of drugs that are required in order to produce high quality programming. I wouldn't care if Vince and Steph had to snort coke off each others' asses for inspiration before they wrote the shows. As long as I'm entertained, that's all that matters. In fact, if they'd just do that in the ring to start every Smackdown then that'd help. Otherwise that'd be one more Bashams match I'd have to watch.
I tell ya, sometimes this show gets so dull that it almost makes a guy miss WCW.