The Issue #13 (The Book of H)
By: Bryon Frazier
February 22, 2004
Despite recent current events, my most upsetting discovery of the past week occurred when I was at the local book store. Mystical forces drew me not to the Sports section, but to Religion. There it laid, nestled amongst the rest of the self-indulgent tripe was The Book of H, the definitive guide to total domination.
Penned by the enigmatic P.M. Levesque, this wasn't an inspirational tale for those with great desire for success as I had expected. Instead it was 300 pages designed to explain to me why I'm less than nothing and the protagonist is the greatest man in the world. In fact, I think every chapter began with the phrase "You're less than nothing and I'm the greatest man in the world," which is too bad because it really breaks up the rhythm of the narrative as well as disguise the true message hidden within. If you can fight through the constant barrage of insults and putdowns, you will realize that you're being given the entire gameplan to dominance.
The story centers around a mythical character known only as Hunter, whose beauty is rivaled only by his physical prowess both on the battlefield and in the sack. Yes, Hunter has lots of sex throughout our story, and he seems to have a strange penchant for anal penetration. One particular bout of "love" features a monstrosity of a human being called Joanie, whose penis is almost as big as our hero's. Well, not really because at one point the protagonist's protrusion is described as "the ultimate monument to manhood" (Stephanie 10:26). In fact, I'd feel better if we changed the subject for now to the part that really matters for all you World Champion wannabes out there.
Hunter's superior cunning allowed him to outwit any and all challengers to his throne. As one such opponent proclaims, "Hunter talked King Vince into letting him beat me a few times, and before I knew it Hunter was telling everyone that would listen that no one would believe it if I ever won a battle against him. He was truly diabolical. I wish I could have his baby." (Booker 3:31). In fact, that passage brings up a creepy theme that runs throughout. It seems that every person Hunter meets professes their desire to have his baby. It was like the author was so enthralled with his main character that every other character featured within had to be in total awe of him. This is most directly exemplified by the rules that are laid out for our understanding: "Whenever Hunter is not around, everyone must ask 'Where's Hunter?'" (Poochie 1:1) and "Hunter should have periodical access to a time machine." (Poochie 1:2), etc.
Hunter's perceived psychological advantage over his counterparts was never made clearer than when J.R. the Farclaimer began incessantly referring to him as "The Cerebral Assassin," (Raw 99:04) but really it was all a smoke screen to cover up the fact that his only real advantage over the other minions of Stamford was his courtship and subsequent marriage to King Vince's younger daughter Stephanie. Hunter's choice of Stephanie was based on two simple reasons. Firstly, he believed that he would be most able to manipulate the King if he had "Daddy's Little Girl" at his side, but he also felt that the elder daughter Shane was too feminine for his supreme manliness.
Once this conquest was completed, Hunter was now able to indulge on his every whim. He became increasingly lazy in his own training which theoretically led to excessive jiggliness, yet according to his own proclamations remained the pinnacle of masculinity for all eternity. Regardless of what might ultimately prove to be the case, Hunter continued to convince the people of his "0wn4g3" (Internet 93:97) of them through theatrics. He would have King Vince hire foes for him to vanquish such as Bill the Jackhammerer, as well as convince other former champions to come out of retirement like Shon Mikals. In the event that someone actually try to rise up from beneath, like the man called Ben Wah, he would be sure to make an example of them at the most public of venues: WaMeXX. Surrounded by jesters and aging former champions who were thankful just to sniff the jockstrap of success every once in a while, Hunter lived forever as the supreme master of the universe and Canada.
Behind all the rhetoric, all the false claims and overbearing exaggerations found on each and every page of The Book of H, I was able to find that the true key to total domination is the perception of dominance. This this should be achieved in any way necessary, even if it means to marry the boss's daughter in order to gain a higher position within the heirarchy and use the newly acquired powers to hold down any and all who would dare dream of achieving some sense of personal accomplishment. As long as the public is led to believe that no one is capable of victory, you can never be truly defeated.
I for one and both impressed and appalled by these revelations. It frightens me to even imagine someone as self-centered as Hunter is depicted in this story. However, I always take solace in the fact that no one like him could ever exist in reality. The nature of humanity would never allow it, and the world will forever be a better place because of this.